Where you find yourself after divorce often has a lot to do with where you find yourself in the
forgiveness process. Forgiveness is a process, and there are steps you can take to free yourself
from the pain and hurt, and to boldly create a new story for yourself. These are five steps to
forgiveness after divorce that we’ve found not only lead the way to your new story, but free
those around you to join in with love and gratitude.
How To Forgive When There’s Still So Much That Hurts?
The most important thing to remember when you are trying to find forgiveness after divorce is
that the feelings of bitterness, anger and resentment are not unique in the divorce process.
Yours are unique to you, of course, as the situations that brought them about are yours and
yours alone. But, you’re not the only person to find herself feeling betrayed, disappointed and
alone. They say there’s strength in numbers, and so knowing that others feel as you do can help
motivate you to find the strength and courage to move on as they have. It’s okay to feel what
you feel; just take steps to move forward and write your new story.
Forgiving Doesn’t Mean Forgetting
You don’t have to forget what happened in your marriage or condone any behaviors that were
not okay. You don’t have to act as if they didn’t happen or live in denial of the hurts you have to
find forgiveness. When you forgive, you consciously choose to let go of the negative feelings
and thoughts you have about those actions and behaviors. Forgiveness says, “You did this, and
it wasn’t okay, but I’m strong enough to forgive you and move past your behaviors.”
Forgiveness doesn’t make you forget, but it does empower you to move on without letting
bitterness and anger eat at you.
Feel Your Feelings
Focus on what you are feeling and why you’re feeling it. Are you angry? Are you feeling
betrayed? Are you disappointed or do you feel insecure? Whatever it is that you’re feeling,
name it. Analyze it and look at where you are with those feelings, but more, how they may be
holding you back from moving on. When you focus on learning from the past, you can write a
more solid new story. Also remember that forgiveness is really for YOU, and not your ex or
anyone else. Consider writing to them and releasing them from everything you feel they did to
you. Even if you never mail it (and it’s okay not to), you have subconsciously told them they
have no power over you anymore.
The best part about forgiveness after divorce is that YOU are in control! You may feel like you
had little to no control in what led to the divorce, but now? The power really is all yours. You’re
no longer bound to feelings based on another’s actions, and that means you can totally choose
how you hurt and for how long. Give yourself time to grieve, but then set goals for moving past
and writing a new story. Choose to take this new road and make it exactly how you want it to
be. Choose to make these decisions over and over again so that you can maintain forgiveness
for good. When you choose your actions and thoughts regardless of circumstance? You hold the
power and you can make your path perfect for you.
We could spend all day long and twice on Sundays thinking about what we could have/would
have/should have done. We could do the same for what our ex could have/would have/should
have done. But that’s not helpful. We don’t have to condone their behaviors. Still, accepting
them for what they are, and realizing that they’re flawed humans with flawed behaviors will
help you feel less like the divorce was personally about you. Accept your ex for who they are
and the situation for what it is—not what you wish it was or should have been. When you do,
you take yourself out of the role of one who has no power. You turn yourself into the one who
is choosing to accept the frailty and flaws of another without letting those frailties and flaws
color your new path any more. The forgiveness is for your release. You don’t even need to tell
them what you’re going through emotionally because again, it’s about you and your
empowerment, not their ‘feeling good.’
Write A New Story
This is the most important step! You may feel like you’ve lived a story that things just
happened, or things should have been different, and if they were, you’d be living a different
Here’s the best part about forgiveness after divorce: when you free yourself from the hurts and
the baggage, you open yourself up to write an entirely new story in which you’re calling the
shots. Decorate how you want. Go where you want. Eat what you want. Engage in whatever
past times you want. Surround yourself with the people YOU WANT. When you forgive your ex
for wronging you and instead consider their behaviors as opportunities for you to fully and
freely do what you want? You’re writing your own new story and you can make it look like
whatever you want. Create an intention of “My life will now be on my terms, and it will now
look like this…” and go from there. Forgiveness lets you start that story, and we’re right here
with you as you write it!
For more great articles on forgiveness I invite you to read these great articles:
Owner, Fave Lifestyles
I was becoming an empty nester, a woman of a more interesting age and in transition. Sound familiar? I was at that place where we question our purpose, value, and worth and what in the world are we going to do with the rest of our lives.
I noticed women have a huge hunger to belong to a community of women where they can feel safe, share openly from their heart and have other women to do life with! This is why I created my Fave Lifestyles.
Fave is for the woman who wants to call Fave her community of women who support, uplift, and make her feel better about herself. I want to create a place where we help her answer life's questions and just do life together!
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