Ugh…bathing suit shopping.

Is that the thought you have when it comes to shopping for a new suit?

That’s mine.

Now…before you go judging me or anyone when we say these things, let’s remember that it doesn’t matter what we think about how that person looks, it’s all about the conversation and beliefs inside their own head that really matters.

It can help us to accept ourselves a bit better when we receive external validation that we look better than we think we do.  Yet, it doesn’t necessarily stop the demon talk in our heads that we are too fat or too thin or that our stomach wiggles or look at that cellulite on the thighs or butt.  Right?

Messaging from our families

We all have stories about our bodies.  What kind of messaging did you receive from your family about your body growing up?

My family was a mixed bag of messages.  My mom was a petite 5’3 very well-endowed robust woman who gained weight easily and turned to food for comfort.  My Dad was tall and lean and had an athletic build and didn’t have to worry about what he ate yet he turned to criticism for control.

I took after my Dad in my build.  Yet it wasn’t easy.   I was very thin (called skinny) with long legs (called chicken legs) and clothing never fit me quite right, so my mom was always adding length to the pants or taking things in (always teased for my clothes).

Being teased about my weight and build of body was not comfortable and made me very self-conscious.

In my younger years I loved to run, and I even got teased for how I ran.  I was one of the fastest runners in the school and yet I heard things like, “You run like a funny chicken” and then in Junior High it was “You run like a crazy gazelle”.  I didn’t think gazelle’s ran crazy, but you get the connotation.  We say such mean things as kids.

There were other things said about my knobby knees and then the ultimate embarrassing body part – my boobs.  Yep, got teased greatly for not having any.

The teasing not only took place in school, but my oldest brother was the meanest by saying things like, “Your bra size must be an inverted triple Z”.  This was in junior high when hormones are going crazy and other girls were getting bustier and I wasn’t.

Can you relate to not fitting in growing up and feeling like there’s something wrong with you?  And probably not being able to talk to your Mom or another adult about what’s going on with your body?

And maybe that’s happening now for you as you get older.  It did for me.

Those self-conscious feelings showed up when I started menopause too.  My body started changing, weight gained in places I didn’t think was possible, skin felt different, sagging muscles even though working out. And feelings of my body betraying me surfaced along with the buried memories of being teased.

Most of my clients share these same sentiments.  Our stories may be a bit different, yet the feelings are the same.

When we didn’t have anyone to talk to about our growing bodies or when we hear things that hurt our feelings, it creates beliefs about ourselves.  That seem to come with us into maturity.

Comparison

The messaging received not only from our families but also society can be hurtful and damaging to how we view ourselves which has an effect on our self-worth.

As human beings we are always comparing ourselves.  It’s part of our ego that helps to keep us “safe” because of the ‘survival of the fittest’ mentality going back to those cave person days.  That’s not scientific language but I think you get where I’m going.

We learn that who we are is not enough and that we need to be smaller or larger or change our face or skin or look younger or look older to “fit in”.  How damaging is that for our psyche’s?  Especially as teenagers which is hell to live through anyway.

And then most of us carry that forward into adulthood because we didn’t get the messaging that we are beautiful just the way we are.

The comparison then leaks over into not just our bodies, but our businesses, lives, friendships – keeping up with the Joneses type of mentality.  We pretty much can feel screwed because it will never be enough.  We feel like “we” will never be enough.

Beautiful Inside

It’s not about other people or society.  Yes, I get the programming we endured growing up, yet we now have a choice.  And we can choose to change it.   For ourselves first and then that can ripple out to others.

It must first come from within you.  That’s how we change society and the world.

Start with Forgiveness

Even though it needs to come from within us first, it’s challenging to start there.  Remember that demon talk in our heads?  The one that tells you that you’re not pretty enough or thin enough or smart enough?  So, we start with forgiveness in stages.

Forgiveness of those that taught us how to hate our bodies and ourselves.

Forgiveness of society for not honoring each person for the beautiful and creative being they are individually.

Forgiveness of ourselves for believing all those lies and doing the things we’ve done to our bodies to change them because we felt not good enough.

“Feeling beautiful has nothing to do with what you look like” Emma Watson

It is truly about our insides that matter. 

You have the power to change those beliefs and patterns that were created in your younger years and that are maybe still lingering.

And it’s not just by changing habits. Yes, that’s helpful.  Yet, if we only change a habit and not the belief underneath, we have an extremely high chance of sabotaging ourselves.

Questions to ask yourself:

How do you want to feel about your body?

What would an accepting and loving relationship with your body look like?

How would having a loving relationship with your body effect how you engage in other areas of your life?

What makes you feel beautiful inside?

You’re Not Alone

These beliefs/patterns are deep, and it can feel a bit scary to navigate on your own.

If you want any guidance or support as you navigate these beliefs/patterns, I’m here for you.

To book a complimentary 30-minute call to find out more about the forgiveness process, click here.

With gratitude,
Brenda

about

Brenda Reiss

The author of “Forgive Yourself”, Brenda Reiss truly walks her talk. She discovered the power of self-forgiveness when a series of life events put her in a very dark place. Failed marriages, abuse, and severe health issues were just a few of the challenges she faced.

Determined to rewrite her story, Brenda sought answers – and found them in the concept of “radical forgiveness”.

What she learned changed her life forever.

Brenda is highly skilled at helping people find peace in their personal and professional lives. Coupling teachable techniques with forgiveness theory, this certified Radical Forgiveness© Master coach creates an environment which allows clients to release anger, shame, and guilt. The result? An opportunity to live with joy in the present and the future.

Have you heard the term “gut wrenching pain”? Or maybe you have experienced this in your life?

When you read that statement where do you feel it? Probably in your gut.

Feeling Wronged

When we have been wronged by someone or we feel that we have wronged someone, we feel it in our gut don’t we?

It starts as a tightening in our diaphragm and abdomen that then gets tighter and tighter where we feel like we have a huge fist or knot in our stomach. We can’t really eat much or breathe very well.

All of my life I had stomach issues. No one really thought that much about it because it was pretty common. Which is unfortunate. Because in the forgiveness work that I do, that means something is definitely amiss.

Forgiveness means

Did you know that in Aramaic, forgiveness means to “untie the knot”?

I was amazed when I discovered this years ago in doing research on forgiveness because that resonated so much better for me (and my clients) than the dictionary definitions.

After My Divorce

This research came after my third divorce that really took a lot out of me. That marriage was chock full of lesson after lesson for me (which I didn’t know until later). I was thinking that he was the one to blame because he was the one that had anger issues and infidelity issues. Not me. Oh, was I in for a really exciting journey of discovery.

On My Knees

One evening after the painful decision to leave that marriage, I was on my knees, hunched over in gut-wrenching pain. In that emotionally deep pain. Sobbing. That deep gut sob. I was tired. So tired of the pain. I cried out,

God, Angels, Universe, anyone. I can’t do this anymore. Listen…if you are there and you’re listening, if you are truly there, then I need you to take me right now or heal this pain, I can’t do this anymore. It hurts too much.

It wasn’t that I wanted to die, I just wanted the deep pain to stop. In my gut and in my heart. Have you had that feeling?

Within a few minutes, I felt like I was being hugged and this warmth came over me.

The pain in my gut started to subside as I was able to breathe deeper and my heart started to feel warm and my sobbing started to ease up and then I heard the words, “Breathe, I got you.” I never had anybody tell me that before.

What I Learned

What I learned from that experience is what led me to the research where I found that wonderful definition of what forgiveness means in Aramaic and the Radical Forgiveness work that I get to do today. It helped me heal my gut and my heart. The breath work is a huge part of our healing. It is called the breath of life for a reason.

Do you have gut issues? Is that where you hold your tension? Have you felt that knot in your stomach?

Process for Untying the Knot

Here’s a great way to start on a process of “untying the knot”.

First, it’s important to become aware of your tension. Where do you feel it? What does it feel like?

Second, when you notice the tension in your belly, breathe.

Take a breath through your nose down into your belly. Fill your belly fill up with air, extending it out through your sides and back. Then release that breath through your mouth, pulling the belly back in towards your spine. This actually helps calm the Vagus nerve which is vital for our well-being.

Are you doing that right now? It feels good doesn’t it?

Do several of those. It is so worth the couple minutes.

Third, ask yourself how you want to feel. When we get some clarity around how we ourselves want to feel instead of focusing on the hurt that happened, it brings our power back to us.

Then you can bring in some affirmations or an intention or prayer around how you do want to feel. You can start with something as simple as:

• I am willing to feel peace in my stomach and heart; or
• I am willing to feel at ease in my body
• I am willing to release the heavy burden I’m carrying
• I am willing to feel lighter and freer

Forgiveness doesn’t start with forgiving the other person. It starts with us taking care of ourselves.

Brenda is a Forgiveness and Transformational Coach who loves to guide women on a journey of loving their lives and themselves. You don’t have to do this alone and she makes walking this path a bit easier as she walks beside you.

Book a complimentary call to find out more about the forgiveness process here.

You can find more information on my website at brendareisscoaching.com.

about

Brenda Reiss

The author of “Forgive Yourself”, Brenda Reiss truly walks her talk. She discovered the power of self-forgiveness when a series of life events put her in a very dark place. Failed marriages, abuse, and severe health issues were just a few of the challenges she faced.

Determined to rewrite her story, Brenda sought answers – and found them in the concept of “radical forgiveness”.

What she learned changed her life forever.

Brenda is highly skilled at helping people find peace in their personal and professional lives. Coupling teachable techniques with forgiveness theory, this certified Radical Forgiveness© Master coach creates an environment which allows clients to release anger, shame, and guilt. The result? An opportunity to live with joy in the present and the future.

What if you thought you had forgiven someone, yet you feel you still have some sort
of resentment you can’t seem to figure out or let go of?

Or you are experiencing residual sadness and anger that come up even after you feel you have truly
forgiven someone.

What do you do?

There are a few different reasons why we might have some residual resentment, anger, or sadness
even after we think we have forgiven someone.

Also Read: 3 Ways to Manage a Major Life Transitions

1. The most common cause that requires our dealing with resentment in relationships is that we might have only forgiven them from our heads (as a decision) rather than from our hearts (spiritual understanding).

If this is the case, we might still be seeing the problem more clearly than the relationship.

2. Another reason requiring our dealings with resentment might be that we have not completely identified exactly WHAT needs to be
forgiven, or additional repercussions keep arising that we weren’t aware of when we forgave originally.

For instance, let’s say we forgave someone for a damaged car fender, but later we have to replace
the tire, then our insurance goes up, and a year later there is a noise and vibration up in the fender
that we have to get looked at.

These additional features that we were unaware of when we forgave are then added to the cost and
may require additional forgiveness.

3. Another common reason for resentment is that we are not fully healed from the damage done
and the pain is ongoing.

4. Another reason that needs our dealing with resentment in a relationship is we could be experiencing “triggered memories” associated with an offense. For example, I
might forgive my friend for lying to me, but discover that resentment keeps showing up because I
have unresolved, and unforgiven issues from when my mother would lie to me as a child about her
drinking.

Also Read: What Is Missing In Feeling Overwhelmed?

HOW TO DEAL WITH RESENTMENT?

Now that we know the causes behind our resentments, we should know how to deal with it.

What we can do to start feeling some freedom around these left-over feelings is getting curious
about them.

1. Sit quietly with a pen/pencil and journal
2. Take some breaths and focus on your heart
3. Allow yourself to say: I notice I am experiencing _________ (here is where you would
   name the feeling: anger, sadness, resentment, etc.) about _____________ (name the person
   or situation)
4. Breathe into the feeling without judgment – just allow it

5. Ask yourself: What do I need to know about this feeling of resentment or anger
or sadness, etc.) and see what is willing to be shown to you as you continue
to breathe into it.

Journaling and breathing and getting curious are excellent ways of gaining insight.

Also Read: How To Stay Safe When Online Dating

about

Brenda Reiss

The author of “Forgive Yourself”, Brenda Reiss truly walks her talk. She discovered the power of self-forgiveness when a series of life events put her in a very dark place. Failed marriages, abuse, and severe health issues were just a few of the challenges she faced.

Determined to rewrite her story, Brenda sought answers – and found them in the concept of “radical forgiveness”.

What she learned changed her life forever.

Brenda is highly skilled at helping people find peace in their personal and professional lives. Coupling teachable techniques with forgiveness theory, this certified Radical Forgiveness© Master coach creates an environment which allows clients to release anger, shame, and guilt. The result? An opportunity to live with joy in the present and the future.

Do you notice a difference in your body when you are struggling with resentment, sadness or
anger?

How does it feel when you are happy and feel connected?

Makes a difference doesn’t it?

It’s been proven that forgiveness or unforgiveness really plays a critical role in our health.

So how does forgiveness affect your health?

Here is an excerpt from a blog written by Colin Tipping, author of the Radical Forgiveness book,
entitled,  “Unforgiveness is classified in medical books as a disease.” And when you read
to the end you receive a 4 step forgiveness tool to aid you in the forgiveness process.

“According to Dr. Steven Standiford, chief of surgery at the Cancer Treatment Centers of America,
refusing to forgive makes people sick and keeps them that way. With that in mind, forgiveness
therapy is now being used to help treat diseases, such as cancer.

“It’s important to treat emotional wounds or disorders because they really can hinder
someone’s reactions to the treatments, even someone’s willingness to pursue
treatment,”

Standiford explained.

Of all cancer patients, 61 percent have forgiveness issues. Of those, more than half are severe,
according to research by Dr. Michael Barry, a pastor and the author of the book, The Forgiveness
Project. “Harboring these negative emotions, this anger and hatred, creates a state of
chronic anxiety,” he said.

“Chronic anxiety very predictably produces excess adrenaline and cortisol, which deplete
the production of natural killer cells, which is your body’s foot soldier in the fight against
cancer,” Dr. Barry explained. The fact is, of course, this applies to everyone, not just cancer
patients.”

There’s a tool in Radical Forgiveness called, The Emerge-N-See 4-Step Process, that can be
used any time you feel stressed or some irritation comes up. Writing these down or memorizing
them is really helpful.

1. Look what I created!
2. I notice my feelings and my judgments but love myself anyway.
3. I am willing to see the perfection in the situation.
4. I choose peace.

It’s amazing how this can transform the situation immediately. Just by being willing to be willing
can make a change.

about

Brenda Reiss

The author of “Forgive Yourself”, Brenda Reiss truly walks her talk. She discovered the power of self-forgiveness when a series of life events put her in a very dark place. Failed marriages, abuse, and severe health issues were just a few of the challenges she faced.

Determined to rewrite her story, Brenda sought answers – and found them in the concept of “radical forgiveness”.

What she learned changed her life forever.

Brenda is highly skilled at helping people find peace in their personal and professional lives. Coupling teachable techniques with forgiveness theory, this certified Radical Forgiveness© Master coach creates an environment which allows clients to release anger, shame, and guilt. The result? An opportunity to live with joy in the present and the future.

When you think about embarking on “inner work” or questioning beliefs ​does it seem daunting or even maybe a bit scary?   Taking a look at what we might have “buried” inside our psyche can be scary for a lot of us.

What I’ve learned is that it was scary for me just because of not knowing what was really there and it seemed so much bigger than me until I realized that it was me looking at it through my younger self’s eyes which at that time, it was bigger than me.

As an adult, I have a choice and I can trust and have faith and reach out to someone to help me in this exploration of self. Then it isn’t so scary.

A question here arises, “”Why are beliefs Important”?

We aren’t as alone as we think we are. It can be our beliefs rearing their heads to keep us in the status quo or “safe”. Which can show up as not reaching out to others or not trying something new because it is different than what we are used to.

When we learn to question those beliefs, it can bring our power back to us.

Here are a couple of steps to take when you feel like to question your beliefs:

1. Get curious. Curiosity is such a great way to release the mind’s hold on that safety valve. Our minds want to keep us safe, but it is based on that old belief system.
2. Ask: Is that true? When a statement comes up in our minds like “you can’t do that” or “remember when you did that last time” or “she’s much better than you”, that’s when we get to really take control of our thoughts. Asking that statement takes our mind off of what that status quo has always been and gets it looking for other ways to prove that it isn’t true.

It actually can be fun to learn more about ourselves when we don’t feel like we are doing it alone and when we have a few simple and easy tools to guide us.

about

Brenda Reiss

The author of “Forgive Yourself”, Brenda Reiss truly walks her talk. She discovered the power of self-forgiveness when a series of life events put her in a very dark place. Failed marriages, abuse, and severe health issues were just a few of the challenges she faced.

Determined to rewrite her story, Brenda sought answers – and found them in the concept of “radical forgiveness”.

What she learned changed her life forever.

Brenda is highly skilled at helping people find peace in their personal and professional lives. Coupling teachable techniques with forgiveness theory, this certified Radical Forgiveness© Master coach creates an environment which allows clients to release anger, shame, and guilt. The result? An opportunity to live with joy in the present and the future.