We hear the phrase “Imposter Syndrome” a lot but, what does it mean? For our purposes here we’re defining it as the feeling that you’re a fraud, incompetent, and that when someone finds out you’ll feel embarrassed or humiliated.

No wonder Imposter Syndrome is such a big deal, right? Who wouldn’t want to avoid being embarrassed or humiliated? No one!

Yet notice that Imposter Syndrome is a feeling.  It’s a fear but that doesn’t mean the things you’re thinking about yourself are true or that the dreaded embarrassment or humiliation will come to pass. In fact, the people who suffer the most from Imposter Syndrome are often the best prepared for their roles in life.

The fact that it’s a feeling doesn’t mean it isn’t real so, please use that to beat yourself up. We’re taking note that Imposter Syndrome is a feeling because we want to untangle it – in order to untangle it we need to first know what it is and where it’s located.

Feelings live in our nervous systems and in Imposter Syndrome they are tied together with a few key thoughts.

Here are the usual thought – feeling pairs:

• Thought: I don’t know what I’m doing – Feelings: intimidated or nervous
• Thought: I have to get this just right before I can let anyone see it – Feelings: uptight, self-conscious
• Thought: Maybe now is not the right time. I should wait until I feel better about it. – Feelings: worried, cautious
• Thought: What if other people think I don’t know what I’m doing? – Feeling: insecure, worried

What thought-feeling pair or pairs do you resonate with?

Use these examples as templates and to alter the thought-feeling pairs to reflect your personal experience more accurately. It’s useful to know what thoughts and feelings make up your struggle with Imposter Syndrome so you can identify it and untangle it when the fear and worry begin to grip you.

Now that you know what thoughts and feelings you’re working with here are the techniques to use

Challenge the thought

Write your thought out on paper and ask yourself if it’s really true? Get objective here. Is it true that you don’t know what you’re doing? Or maybe you’re new to a part of what you’re doing but not the whole project.

Write out the opposite of your thought – how do you know what you’re doing? And answer that question until you run out of responses.

An example of this technique:

• Imposter Syndrome thought: I have to get this handout on the gardening zones in the U.S. exactly right before I post it. Otherwise, I’ll seem like I don’t know what I’m talking about and other master gardeners will criticize me.
• Imposter Syndrome feelings: intimidated, cautious, worried

Challenge the thought:

• How am I an expert on the gardening zones? I am a Master Gardener, and the zones is basic level information that I know backwards and forwards. I teach it to people all the time in my work one on one and in my landscaping consulting business.

Reframe Your Perspective

Researcher Brene Brown teaches a great reframing technique called “the story I’m telling myself is…”.

Try describing your situation to yourself with that phrase at the beginning of the sentence. It would go something like this…

The story I’m telling myself is that I can’t send a draft of my eBook to my editor until it’s perfect. That she’ll think I’m not a very good writer and fire me on the spot. Then, I’ll have to find another editor and I will have wasted my money.

When we use the “the story I’m telling myself is…” technique you can see how it allows us to feel a little less attached to our thoughts and also to play out the scenario to an end that’s most likely not true. An editor is there is help us with our book, not to fire us for being a bad writer, right? See how the mind can keep us stuck? Using this technique uncovers what the story is behind our fears and can actually allow us to move forward with a lighter heart.

Know that true Imposters don’t suffer from Imposter Syndrome

Take comfort in the fact that when people are truly phony and unqualified, they don’t worry about it, they KNOW IT. When you worry about being an imposter that’s evidence that you actually know what you’re doing. It doesn’t mean you’re perfect at it so give yourself room to learn and grow. Even Einstein said that he felt his work was getting too much attention at one point. So, you’re in good company!

Remember that there’s never a perfect time

If you’re having the thought that you need to wait on pursuing a dream because “now is not the right time”, remember that perfect timing doesn’t exist. If we wait our whole lives for perfect timing we might never get married, have kids, buy a house, go on vacation, apply for our dream job, etc.

You have to ask yourself if you’re hiding behind this thought. If so, think about another area of your life where you have been more willing to move forward and not wait for the timing to be exactly right. What made you more willing to take a risk in that other area of your life? Borrow some of that and use it where you have Imposter Syndrome.

For example, I chose to start having kids when other people in my life thought I should have waited for a “better time”. If I feel like “the timing is not right” about something else I go back and “borrow” that courage and bring it forward to today. Then, I reconsider my decision and ask, is the timing still off?

Use an example from your life or borrow mine, either one works. Just test it out to see if timing is actually the issue or if Imposter Syndrome is just keeping you stuck.

Now you know what to do with the feelings and thoughts that make up Imposter Syndrome. Use these techniques to untangle yourself from its grip and stand your ground. You can do this.

If you’re having trouble untangling or taking the wind out of the sails of your Imposter Syndrome, this is part of what I help my private clients with in the Inspired Success program. We look at the thoughts that are holding you back, the feelings that are keeping you stuck and playing small, and set you free to be the abundant Intuitive Entrepreneur you are!

about

Laurie Carlson

​Laurie Carlson is a life coach for Empaths and Highly Sensitive women who are tired of living in overwhelm and exhaustion - they are ready to have a vivacious life from their strengths. Laurie brings her over 30 years of experience as a Psychiatric Nurse, Social Worker, and corporate training Project Manager to her work as a coach. She has a Bachelor's degree in Counseling and Social Work, a Master's degree in Organizational Development and Leadership, and is a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach.

Laurie is an Emotional and Intuitive Empath and Highly Sensitive Person herself so she has a keen awareness of what the Sensitive life is like. She's been coaching for seven years and the sole focus of her practice is helping Empaths and HSPs find a path to fulfilled living. Laurie is also a mom to four Highly Sensitive almost grown kids which is the adventure of a lifetime. When she's not working, she likes to try any recipe that has lemon as the main ingredient, reads historical fiction and self-help books, and is learning all she can about her Danish ancestors' tradition of hygge (or 'coziness').

I’ve been thinking a lot about why we Highly Sensitive People seem to attract more than our fair share of “energy vampires”.

You know, those people who can and will suck the life out of anyone in a hundred mile radius? Or the people who are dialed into you specifically – your narcissist (ex) husband who says mean things to you and, somehow, after the conversation you feel like you were the one who did something wrong. Or maybe it’s more subtle, like a friend who only wants to talk about their problems over lunch and they never ask how you are.

Why do we have these people around us? Why do we always seem to be the ones taking care of others and no one seems to take care of us?

• Reason #1: Because we’re Highly Sensitive we can easily tell when someone is in a bad mood or needs something. We’re think OBVIOUSLY that chair is hurting your back (when other people wouldn’t even see it)! So the energy vampire is drawn to our ability to keenly know what’s up with them.

• Reason #2: We tend to put other people before ourselves, a lot. We take those signals we’re getting about how the other person is upset and we take care of them. We listen, we empathize, and sometimes we try to ‘fix’ the other person. Energy vampires literally feed off of our need to be fixers.

• Reason #3: And, as HSPs we are VERY TALENTED at empathy and listening. It comes naturally to us where it doesn’t for most non-Sensitives. Our brains are actually built to maximize these abilities, that’s why they come fairly easily to us.

• Reason #4: We get validation out of being the Fixer. Ooof, this one was very difficult for me to let into my mind. I resisted it for a long time. I’m not saying helping others is bad, I’m a life coach for Pete’s sake. What I mean is, the reason we’re so willing to fix other people is to feel good about ourselves. It’s not 100% altruistic like we make it out to be. We’re being unhealthy but we don’t realize it.

I order to get out of this pattern I had to own that I had selfish pride in being a fixer. YUCK, that stung! I had used my HSP talent to prop up my self-esteem, not in the saintly, altruistic way I had been telling myself. According to Debbie Ford, in her book The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, this is also known as the “shadow side” of our being, the side that distorts our gifts.

Being willing to be a fixer is how I ended up in a marriage that made me super miserable. At the end of that relationship fifteen years ago, I had to restore what I had given away. Of course, the issues of my marriage were not all about me being a fixer, far from it. There were many other factors in play. But, in order to heal, I had to take responsibility for my choice to be a fixer. I’m sharing this because maybe you can see a little of yourself in my story and begin to see that there’s another way.

Today, I understand that being a fixer is depleting and sends me, and other HSPs, down a dark path. Let’s not travel the way of the dark side, shall we?! We’ve all seen the Star Wars movies and know where the way of the dark side leads. It’s not a pretty picture.

Instead, let’s follow the light. 

Let’s learn how to use our Highly Sensitive trait IN SERVICE of our own good and the good of others too. 

For instance, as a coach, I’m not a fixer. I’m a guide and offer my HSP strengths freely to my clients. I take care of validating myself and managing my energy so I can allow my talents to flow through me. 

What does it take to be a Highly Sensitive Person who has their strengths flowing through them?

It takes…

• understanding of how your HSP brain is different.
• knowing how you personally experience being Highly Sensitive, because no two HSPs are exactly the same.
• learning how to calm your nervous system and reduce your stress on a daily basis. HSPs have more and different stress from non-Sensitives.
• becoming skillful in the practices of self-care and self-compassion.
• having tools to reduce sensory and emotional overwhelm in your ‘back pocket’.
• practice in living out all your HSP traits as strengths (instead of slipping to the shadow side).

This is exactly what I teach my private clients to do.

Picture it – the days of being exhausted from overextending yourself are behind you. You can tell when you’re starting to get overwhelmed and you’re able to do reroute your energy.  Instead of beating yourself up for even beginning to react in a way you don’t want to, you talk calmly and nicely to yourself.

You notice that your breathing slows and your heart rate comes down. You’re able to choose a new thought pattern and a new action that takes you exactly where you want to go. Ahh, you feel peaceful and the after-effects of the stress response slip away. 

You can learn to do this and I’ll be right by your side, every step of the way.

Stop beating yourself up and see yourself as the amazing human you are.

Learn to work with how you’re designed instead of fighting it all the time.

Embrace your Highly Sensitive self and celebrate your gifts. 

You’ve been waiting long enough, it’s time. 

about

Laurie Carlson

​Laurie Carlson is a life coach for Empaths and Highly Sensitive women who are tired of living in overwhelm and exhaustion - they are ready to have a vivacious life from their strengths. Laurie brings her over 30 years of experience as a Psychiatric Nurse, Social Worker, and corporate training Project Manager to her work as a coach. She has a Bachelor's degree in Counseling and Social Work, a Master's degree in Organizational Development and Leadership, and is a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach.

Laurie is an Emotional and Intuitive Empath and Highly Sensitive Person herself so she has a keen awareness of what the Sensitive life is like. She's been coaching for seven years and the sole focus of her practice is helping Empaths and HSPs find a path to fulfilled living. Laurie is also a mom to four Highly Sensitive almost grown kids which is the adventure of a lifetime. When she's not working, she likes to try any recipe that has lemon as the main ingredient, reads historical fiction and self-help books, and is learning all she can about her Danish ancestors' tradition of hygge (or 'coziness').

You love what you do, it’s why you went into business for yourself. Connecting with your clients or customers is easy for you but marketing, oh marketing, that’s a whole other beast! And you really have a tough time putting yourself “out there” in the spotlight.

I get it, I felt like that for a very long time in my business. I would avoid doing video on social media, had lots of anxiety before consultation calls, and did barebones networking. I didn’t like calling much attention to myself because it felt uncomfortable and strange.  And I’m an extroverted Empath and Highly Sensitive! I was just used to focusing on one-to-one services and not the business side of making things work as an entrepreneur.

A lot of people would say to me “feel the fear and do it anyway” or “you’re gonna be fine” and part of me believed it and another part didn’t. I just never felt like I was going to be fine.

If this is you as well, I’m going to walk you through why this happens for Empaths and Highly Sensitives and what we can do to overcome it so our businesses can grow.

The real reasons we hate the spotlight:

• We’ve been criticized our whole lives for being Sensitive so taking risks in business feels like an extra scoop of anxiety to our brains and nervous systems.
• Throughout our life we’ve developed habits to stay safe and the things we need to do to market our businesses are frequently outside our comfort zone, WAY outside.
• Our business usually feels like our baby, like we’re wearing our heart on our sleeve. Then, when it’s criticized, we feel personally attacked as a result.

Did any of those hit home?

It’s not because you can’t handle being in business, what’s happening is your Sensitive brain and nervous system are going into fight or flight. It’s a low-level fight or flight and you’ve adapted to feeling it so you might not even notice it a lot of the time. The thing is, staying here is getting in your way of business success, and you know it. So what can you do about it?

You can’t muscle through; you’ve tried that and you can do it for a while but then you are exhausted and have to take extra time to recover. This might look like pushing through a launch of a product or service, getting that new podcast off the ground, or hosting that workshop that you’ve had on your mind for a while. You do everything to get it out the door but when it’s over, you crash big time.

You can’t pretend you aren’t anxious because then it pops up at the most inconvenient times. Like you’re in the middle of a presentation and your voice gets shaky and you can’t make it stop. That’s the stuffed anxiety rearing its head whether you like it or not. You make it through the presentation, but it didn’t go well and you’re really upset.

​What you need to do is this

Realize that being visible in your business requires self-acceptance and self-trust. There’s no quick fix here and no bulleted list I can give to create these things overnight. Accepting yourself as an Empath and/or Highly Sensitive Person is a process as is learning to trust yourself.

Here are some ways you can get started that will benefit your business right away:

• Realize that you and your work are separate. Sure, you’ve put a lot into your business, you’re probably doing something you love, but it’s not the sum totality of who you are as a person. Draw a line around your business and the work you do in it as a separate entity from you as a human being.
• Look at what your Empathic and Highly Sensitive traits bring to your life in positive ways, not just the challenges they pose. Appreciate how your unique vantage point makes you who you are and able to do the work you do.
• Remember that it’s possible that your opinion is the most important opinion in your business and about your business. When people say things about your work or business that feel critical or negative you have a choice about how to listen to that opinion. You can make it more important than your own opinion if you want but I suggest you at least knock other people’s opinions of your work down to at least position #3 or #4 and see how that feels for a while.

Choose just one of these at a time and put your focus on it for a while. You won’t regret taking it slow and truly implementing what I’m saying here. Plus, you really don’t want to make too many changes at once, that just might trigger more overwhelm rather than less and no one wants that!

If this resonated for you and you’d like some help implementing the ideas I listed above (+more) this is what I do with my private coaching clients every single day. We remove the roadblocks their Sensitivity has put in the path of business success. Finally, they are able to bring to life the entrepreneurial journey they had always envisioned in their minds.

about

Laurie Carlson

​Laurie Carlson is a life coach for Empaths and Highly Sensitive women who are tired of living in overwhelm and exhaustion - they are ready to have a vivacious life from their strengths. Laurie brings her over 30 years of experience as a Psychiatric Nurse, Social Worker, and corporate training Project Manager to her work as a coach. She has a Bachelor's degree in Counseling and Social Work, a Master's degree in Organizational Development and Leadership, and is a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach.

Laurie is an Emotional and Intuitive Empath and Highly Sensitive Person herself so she has a keen awareness of what the Sensitive life is like. She's been coaching for seven years and the sole focus of her practice is helping Empaths and HSPs find a path to fulfilled living. Laurie is also a mom to four Highly Sensitive almost grown kids which is the adventure of a lifetime. When she's not working, she likes to try any recipe that has lemon as the main ingredient, reads historical fiction and self-help books, and is learning all she can about her Danish ancestors' tradition of hygge (or 'coziness').

Each New Year most people make resolutions and have a hard time sticking to them past January or February. This year, I encourage you to approach your resolutions a little differently so you get mileage out of them all year long. If you’re an Empath or Highly Sensitive Person there are a few things I would encourage you to focus on for 2021.

Resolution #1: Prepare Your Nervous System for the Transition Back Into “Regular Life” – whenever that may come.

Many of us Empaths and Highly Sensitives are doing okay with social distancing and staying home. “Doing okay” might be an understatement. Many Sensitives did a jig of glee when everyone had to start socializing less and being home more. It seemed like an HSP dream come true! And you still might be feeling this way.

There’s no denying that our world has changed forever due to this pandemic AND we need to get ourselves ready for going back to a more “regular” routine. Of course, no one knows exactly when that will happen or what that will look like but, my Empathic friend, I have a feeling it will be anything but regular.

After social distancing for so long I think everyone’s going to go a bit nuts with the get togethers, travel, and hugging. I forecast lots of hugging.

As an extroverted Highly Sensitive these are things I’m craving (that’s just me) and will still have to remember to plan for balance.

If you’re an introvert or someone who’s not really into get togethers and hugging the bounce back out of pandemic life might be pretty overwhelming for you.

I say, put a plan in place for yourself now so you have it there when you need it.

Be intentional in your Post Pandemic Plan. Decide how to ease yourself back into socializing in a way that works for you, not because others are pressuring you. Give yourself plenty of time to recover after being with people, you won’t be used to it and it will take more time than it did pre-pandemic.

Think of the other things that you or your friends and family will want to do post-pandemic and create a personalized way to re-engage. Everyone wants to go on vacation together? You say “No, I’m not up for that this year, maybe next time. This year we’re taking a quiet family vacation just the four of us.” Or maybe you get lots of invitations to dine out, see movies, and do things. Decide in advance how you will sift through them and choose what to attend and what to decline.

Trust me, the post-pandemic life will be here before you know it and having a plan for how to ease your Sensitive brain back into it will save you hours and days of discomfort.

Resolution #2:  Begin Meditating Regularly

If you don’t meditate or don’t meditate on a regular basis, the New Year is a great time to start. As a Highly Sensitive Person meditation is a tool you can’t live without in your self-care toolbox.

This idea appears on all the lists but here’s why it’s on this one – the empathic and highly sensitive brain benefits the most from learning to create a meditative state. Why? Because we have SO much information coming at us at all times it’s very overwhelming (even when we’re not overwhelmed).

Most Sensitive brains are on the edge of overwhelm all the time because they are untrained in meditation and other useful grounding techniques. Do yourself the favor of learning to create a calm mind on a daily basis, it will help you pull back from that edge and respond rather than react in your daily life.

There are tons of apps for your phone that lead you through guided meditations. My personal favorite is  ‘Calm’ and I hear wonderful things about ‘Insight Timer’ as well.

There are no rules to meditating. You can do it any time of day, for five minutes, ten minutes or an hour. You can use guided meditations or silent ones. And remember, it’s okay if your mind wanders, the whole point is to gently bring it back every time that happens.

Okay, go forth and meditate!

Resolution #3: Take Up Journaling

This is another resolution that makes all kinds of lists. I’m going to make a case for it here too. Journaling is a powerful tool that, alongside meditation, can be the foundation of a grounded Highly Sensitive nervous system.

There are lots of different kinds of journaling for you to choose from. You don’t even have to do the same kind of journaling every day if you don’t want to! It’s fun to switch it up and use the method that feels right for you. If you like a routine, choose one and stick with it for a while, totally up to you.

Here are some methods to try out:

• “Take out the Trash” journaling – this is just writing three pages, by hand, of whatever is going through your mind. This technique is for the times when you’re upset, or you’re “spinning” in confusion or overwhelm. Get it out onto the paper without editing yourself. Let everything out baby! In this kind of journaling it’s okay to tell someone off, be mean, or divulge your deepest secrets because you will never share it with anyone, ever. You don’t even read it yourself after you’re done, just pour your thoughts and feelings out onto the paper for three pages (no less!). If you don’t know where to start write “I don’t know where to start” and go from there. I promise another thought will come quickly after that one. When you’re done you can get rid of these pages if you’d like. Rip them up or put them through the shredder if that makes you feel more comfortable. What matters is that you allowed yourself to get it all out.
• Write a script for your day – In the morning decide how you would like your day to go and write out a brief script of how things unfold. Have a presentation for your team at 11am? Write out in your scripting journaling how calm you feel during the presentation, how much everyone engages with it, how much everyone learns about your topic, and the positive feedback you get at the end. Kids at home? Script out how well they listen to you, get along with each other, and complete their homework assignments. Sound crazy? Believe me, I thought so too until I tried it. This method has helped me, and my clients, to create so many positive days I can’t even tell you! The power is in deciding in advance how things are going to go and then expecting them to go that way. Does it always work perfectly? Of course not! But, when there are bumps in the road they’re much easier to deal with because so many other things have gone well (or you’ve perceived them that way!).
• What I appreciate about myself – on days when you’re feeling down this can be a great way to pick up your spirits. Look at yourself like a friend would see you. What do you appreciate about you? What qualities do you have in your personality that you’re so glad you have? Are you loving, decisive, loyal, committed to your family, organized, or some other trait that you are really glad you can lean on about yourself? After you’re done appreciating your personality traits then you can move on to things you’ve done or accomplished. There’s a reason for this! We tend to start with accomplishments but that’s too easy, let’s appreciate who we are first before we appreciate what we do. You are a human being not a human doing.

Those are the three resolutions that are absolute musts for you this year – Preparing your nervous system for a return to “regular” life, Daily Meditation, and Taking Up Journaling. Sensitive one, if you do these three things in 2021 you will be SET. The rest of the things you need to accomplish in the year will be so much easier, pink swear.

For more tips on living a Sensitive life visit my website www.LaurieCarlson.com where there’s info on free workshops, my newsletter, and all things Empathic and Sensitive.

To your happiness and wellness in the New Year!

about

Laurie Carlson

​Laurie Carlson is a life coach for Empaths and Highly Sensitive women who are tired of living in overwhelm and exhaustion - they are ready to have a vivacious life from their strengths. Laurie brings her over 30 years of experience as a Psychiatric Nurse, Social Worker, and corporate training Project Manager to her work as a coach. She has a Bachelor's degree in Counseling and Social Work, a Master's degree in Organizational Development and Leadership, and is a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach.

Laurie is an Emotional and Intuitive Empath and Highly Sensitive Person herself so she has a keen awareness of what the Sensitive life is like. She's been coaching for seven years and the sole focus of her practice is helping Empaths and HSPs find a path to fulfilled living. Laurie is also a mom to four Highly Sensitive almost grown kids which is the adventure of a lifetime. When she's not working, she likes to try any recipe that has lemon as the main ingredient, reads historical fiction and self-help books, and is learning all she can about her Danish ancestors' tradition of hygge (or 'coziness').