I received a book for Christmas from a dear friend.  It’s titled “FORWARD” Discovering God’s Presence and Purpose in Your Tomorrow by Dr. David Jeremiah.  I’m anxious to read it.  One of our key concepts here at Modern Widows Club is Moving Forward, While Reaching Back.  Regardless of the stage of life we are in, the key is moving forward.  The opposite of forward means we are stuck – meaning frozen, fixed in one place and can’t move.  So many of life’s challenges can render us stuck.  Whether it be divorce, the loss of a job, loss of a home, loss of a loved one or even loss of hopes and dreams.   Any or all of these events can derail us to the point of being stuck. 

So, how do we work towards moving forward in our lives.  In Modern Widows Club our foundation is based on The Seven Pillars of Healthy Widowhood – Physical Health, Emotional/Mental Health, Spiritual Health, Relational Health, Financial Health, Purpose & Meaning Health and Creativity and Fun Health.  Whether you are on the widow journey or not these pillars are important for us to be healthy.   It is what I love about Fave Lifestyles for Women.   Women coming together on a platform to speak into all of these foundational pillars that assist us in growing and moving forward in life in a way that is meaningful and adds value to not only who we are but how we contribute to the world around us.

It’s a reciprocal circular motion.  While we are pressing into the components of being a well-rounded healthy human being, we also reach back to those behind us.  Dr. Martin Luther King’s desire was to bring about peace in the world, created by communities full of individuals who care for one another.  It’s important to find circles of support that encourage you and connect you with a future you have yet to experience.  The idea of moving forward while reaching back is the model for how we care for widows in our community.   Every widow is either a few steps ahead or a few steps behind.  Those ahead reach back to those behind with love and encouragement.  Seeing a widow who is thriving and not merely surviving gives HOPE and then can be a catalyst to bring HEALING, then GROWTH and perhaps at some point down the road LEADING.  I think we see this same concept in some form or fashion in many support groups whether it is divorce, addiction, grief or any other life challenge.  

If we are stuck it can be difficult to make movements on our own.  However, if someone comes alongside us that has walked the walk then we can be mentored, encouraged and inspired.   Our founder, Carolyn Moor says “the healing happens when we find purpose and meaning, and interestingly enough, that happens more rapidly when we are helping someone else find theirs as well.  It’s when we face things in life, we didn’t choose that defines our character.  It’s about what you do next.” 

A good first thing to do is BREATHE!  I was in a seminar a few years ago.  The speaker was talking about relieving stress and anxiety.  He suggested taking 3 long deep breaths and slowly exhaling after each one.  It was incredibly amazing how relaxed I felt when completing this exercise.  I don’t know about you but I think that so much in our life is stressful that sometimes we don’t even know we are stressed.   For sure I believe many of us have been holding our breath with all of the uncertainty we’ve experienced in 2020.  Honestly, I generally look forward to a new year and found myself this year feeling a bit of trepidation.  The “Forward” book I mentioned above suggests ten steps to seize the momentum in your life:  DREAM, PRAY, CHOOSE, FOCUS, RISK, PURSUE, BELIEVE, INVEST, FINISH and CELEBRATE.  Without having read the book I can still look at these steps and see in my mind that each one is a significant way to move forward. 

I encourage each of us to explore what it means to find meaning and purpose.  Then find one person to connect with and start that reciprocal circle of caring for and loving one another.   Like the song says “What the World Needs Now is Love, Sweet Love”.

about

Cindy Toledo

 Cindy Toledo is currently the Regional West Director of Modern Widows Club, a national non-profit organization that serves to empower widows to lean into life, build resilience and make a positive difference in society. Cindy became a widow in July 2011 when her husband died from a sudden heart attack. She found Modern Widows Club three weeks later and found her passion and purpose while leading two chapters in the Seattle area. She is seeking to rebuild a chapter in our area and invites anyone interested to contact her at regionalwest@modernwidowsclub.org.

Now more than ever we hear the word resilience. The definition of the word resilience is: the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties. “Resilience means knowing how to cope in spite of setbacks, or barriers or limited resources. It is a measure of how much you want something and how much you are willing and able to overcome obstacles to get it. It has to do with your emotional strength.” Posted in 2014 by speakersoffice.com

An additional definition is: “the ability of a substance to spring back into shape, elasticity”. When a woman becomes a widow the idea of springing back into shape is impossible. Becoming widowed or even in the unprecedented times we all are facing I think it is safe to say that while we may spring back it most likely will look very different from who and what we were before the loss of your life partner or the loss of life as we knew it. We are being challenged everyday with the questions of how to cope in spite of the ongoing pandemic that has altered our “normal” lives. I so often find myself saying, “when things get back to normal”. What is that? What will it look like? What do and will I have control over? I personally believe that resilience is an act of intentionality. While we may have great desire to act and feel like we did before, we also know that we are different therefore our lives will be different in some form or fashion.

I found this list of 7 Skills of Resilience in Psychology Today from March 31, 2020. I’ve taken the liberty of expounding on each of the principles

Seven Skills of Resilience

• Principle 1: Cultivate a Belief in Your Ability to Cope.
  • We must believe in ourselves and our ability so we can rise above the circumstances. In this pandemic I have chosen to keep my mind focused on my purpose and passion. It might mean you have to find creative ways to do that in a virtual or socially distant way.
• Principle 2: Stay Connected with Sources of Support.
  • Make it a habit to call, text or meet virtually with those people who are in your support system. Early on when the pandemic first hit and we were sequestered at home I made it a point to call one friend every day. Go thru your contacts and reach out to the ones you haven’t been in contact with and make a special effort to connect.
• Principle 3: Talk About What You’re Going Through.
  • Pick your safe people that you can say how you are really feeling. Especially, in this unusual time of isolation it is important to talk about how you feel. I always encourage myself and the widows I have contact with to set aside time to talk about their grief, their frustration and their situation.  Cry into your pillow or scream but then purpose to get up, get dressed and set goals for the day.  The goals can be simple like accomplish one task or complete one thing that is weighing you down. You don’t have to take on ALL of your to do’s at once.

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• Principle 4: Be Helpful to Others.
  • When we are struggling, lonely or just defeated it always helps to find a way to help someone else. It takes the focus off of us and onto someone else who may need assistance. Perhaps you can volunteer at a local food back, your church or any organization that assists people. Maybe, make a plate of cookies for a neighbor who is alone. 
• Principle 5: Activate Positive Emotion.
  • The old saying, “mind over matter” come to mind. There is scientific research that says our brain believes what we tell it. Our self-talk is important. Feeling all the feels and then allowing ourselves to activate the positive emotion we want.  Gratitude is a big component to this.
• Principle 6: Cultivate an Attitude of Survivorship.
  • Be intentional about what it is you want and cultivate/create that attitude that you want to embody. “I will not let this take me down, I will take a stand and make the best of whatever my circumstances”
• Principle 7: Seek Meaning.
  • We all want to have meaning and purpose in our lives. Seek that out. What are the things that bring you JOY? What are the things that fill up your tank? What are the skills you are blessed with that you can share?

This season as we all are trying to find our footing in an ever-changing environment, I hope these resilience principles will give you food for thought and help you with an action plan. I am grateful for where I am today and for the resilience I’ve found in my life. I only wish I had known to be more intentional earlier in life. “Gratefulness is the ROOT of JOY”. I am grateful and it gives me peace. 

about

Cindy Toledo

 Cindy Toledo is currently the Regional West Director of Modern Widows Club, a national non-profit organization that serves to empower widows to lean into life, build resilience and make a positive difference in society. Cindy became a widow in July 2011 when her husband died from a sudden heart attack. She found Modern Widows Club three weeks later and found her passion and purpose while leading two chapters in the Seattle area. She is seeking to rebuild a chapter in our area and invites anyone interested to contact her at regionalwest@modernwidowsclub.org.

Here at Modern Widows Club we have monthly topics that are focused on our Seven Pillars of a Healthy Widow and Healthy Woman. Regardless of whether you have suffered the loss of your life partner we all have these areas of our lives that are important to our overall well being and health. They are: Emotional/Mental Health, Physical Health, Financial Health, Purpose and Meaning, Spiritual Health, Fun/Creative Health and Relational Health. 

Our topic the month of October was “Taking Your Power Back”. I think that could fall under a number of our categories above. When you have had your feet knocked out from underneath you from a significant loss, we can all feel like we are powerless to get back up and find our power. When my husband died suddenly when I was 57, I could not see the future in front of me. My only thought was getting from one day to the next or sometimes from one hour to the next. Then, I thought I would just focus on doing my best at my job, spending time with my grown children and doing my favorite hobby quilting. Well, I did my job to the best of my ability (which certainly lacked), I did spend quite a lot of time with my daughters and I didn’t start quilting for more than 7 years. I’m not sure I really knew what my purpose and passion was prior to becoming a widow and then I really didn’t know what my purpose was.

What I did know was that I desperately wanted the death of my husband to matter. That this catastrophic life event would change me and how I lived my life. That I would take this gift called LIFE and make sure I lived it fully.  I didn’t know how I would do that, but I knew that LIFE is precious and I no longer wanted to just float thru it without purpose and passion. I have a very strong faith system and feel like I was guided all along the way on this journey. And actually, that all of the events in my life had led me to where I am now. I think the message I had then and still have is that the only thing in this life that really matters is LOVE. Loving God and loving people encompass everything that makes life matter. What does that look like?

We had an interesting exercise that helped us determine some specific action verbs that most all of us want in our life. They are: LOVE, JOY, PEACE, PATIENCE, KINDESS, GOODNESS, FAITHFULNESS, GENTLENESS AND SELF CONTROL. We threw in WISDOM. On a piece of paper, we listed all of these attributes/verbs in one column.  In the second column we listed who in our lives most represented these attributes. In the third column we listed who in our lives least represented these attributes. You could have the same person in multiple categories.   If you have a long list of people in the MOST category than you are fortunate. If you have a long list of people in the LEAST category than perhaps you need to access your relationship with them. Now that doesn’t mean you kick them to the curb but perhaps move them to the outer circle. What and who do we want to have as emotional influencers in our lives.  An exercise like this can assist us in recognizing places in our lives where we need to make some changes. We also added an additional exercise.  If you could take all of your life experience and knowledge that you have gleaned over all your years, what would you tell that little girl who you were way back when? This is quite a cathartic challenge. For me, as a little girl growing up, I was so filled with fear at EVERYTHING in life that I never felt I had any power. Writing to my little self, made me so aware of what I would/do want for her.  I’m grateful for all the life experiences to this point because they make me who I am today. But I so wonder who I would be today if I had known I didn’t have to be so afraid.

I encourage you to take a little bit of time to do these exercises and see where you might need to take your power back.  Our Modern Widows Club website has a huge bank of blogs on the Seven Pillars of a Healthy Widow, Healthy Woman.  https://modernwidowsclub.com/blog/

I also encourage you to check out our Podcast:  Healthy Widows, Healthy Woman by our Founder, Carolyn Moor  www.healthywidowhealthywoman.org

If are a widow or know a widow please refer them to Seattle@modernwidowsclub.org

about

Cindy Toledo

 Cindy Toledo is currently the Regional West Director of Modern Widows Club, a national non-profit organization that serves to empower widows to lean into life, build resilience and make a positive difference in society. Cindy became a widow in July 2011 when her husband died from a sudden heart attack. She found Modern Widows Club three weeks later and found her passion and purpose while leading two chapters in the Seattle area. She is seeking to rebuild a chapter in our area and invites anyone interested to contact her at regionalwest@modernwidowsclub.org.

Now that I am of a “more interesting age” I look back at my life and remember as a young girl my greatest desire in life was to grow up, get married and have children. I accomplished that by marrying at the very young age of 18, followed by two daughters one year apart by the time I was 20. Life presented its fair share of challenges with moves, a divorce and remarriage. Even with the challenges I felt like I had a fairly good life working, investing in my family and friends.

As I entered my forties, I often wondered what my purpose in life was? Was I here for a reason and if so. what was it? Was there something more? On my 50 th birthday my mother spoke a word over me, that God had shared and told her I would be in a healing ministry. While I love and have great respect for my mother, her words had zero relevance to anything going on in my life. And then life changed…….

In July 2011 my husband died from a sudden heart attack. I entered into the Club of Widowhood, the club no one wants to join! The trajectory of my life took a very sharp turn. God showed up that night with my house of full of family and co-workers from our church. As everyone stood around praying, someone began to sing Amazing Grace. In that moment it was as if God audibly said to me “I will give you all the STRENGTH you need, I will give you a PEACE like you’ve never known and HOPE for your future.” I remember the next morning my brother sat on the edge of my bed and said, “I know this is harsh, but it is what it is. Only you will decide every morning when you get up how you will walk this journey”. Those words impacted me among many other things that came across my path. In the days following I had such a strong sense of my desire to LIVE my life in such a way that it would be honoring to the life my husband no longer had and honoring to God.

It was only three weeks later that I found Modern Widows Club. I gravitated like a magnet to every single thing I read on the website and Facebook page. Everything pointed me to lean into life, build resilience and make a positive difference in society. I so desperately wanted my husband’s death to matter, to change me for the better and cause my life to make a difference. The journey has been filled with unimaginable grief, sorrow and loss that will always be part of my story. The journey has also been filled with discovery, incredible JOY and the passion and purpose I always longed for. And the words spoken over me at 50 came true by the time I was 60 and began mentoring and supporting widows. Not exactly the way I would have wanted to discover my purpose and passion! But how grateful I am for every moment that has brought me to this day.

​

I share this because as I said in the beginning “at this interesting age” I ponder and wonder how many of us are just carried down the river of life not really knowing our purpose. Not really being intentional
about what we want our life to look like and what we want to leave as a legacy. As a younger woman I never really thought about what legacy I would leave for my children, my family, and those I invested my life in. It took the most catastrophic event of my life for me to find my passion and purpose, mentoring, and supporting widows in their journey to thriving! If you find yourself pondering similar thoughts, I encourage you to consider evaluating what you desire your purpose to be. To consider what you desire your legacy to be to those behind you. Things I’ve learned that may be helpful no matter your age and stage in life.

1. Say YES whenever possible, learn to explore the possibilities.
2. Get out of your comfort zone. You will be surprised by what you discover.
3. Be intentional. Consider what you want and don’t want.
4. Make a bucket list vision board and explore how to make those things happen.
5. Leave room for the and suddenly! Life can throw curve balls and suddenly when you least expect it life unfolds in ways you never dream.
6. Be GRATEFUL for where you are and where you are not! Gratitude opens the doors of your heart and allows you to view the world around you from different lenses. Gratitude improves your physical and psychological health. Gratitude enhances empathy, improves self-esteem, and improves mental strength.

It’s never too late to discover your passion and purpose. It’s never too late to begin an attitude of gratitude. There are so many things in the climate of our world today that can cause us to lose focus. But when we are grateful, even the smallest thing can bring JOY. Join me in purposing to find the JOY and GRATITUDE every day so that you are able to build resilience no matter your circumstances.

about

Cindy Toledo

 Cindy Toledo is currently the Regional West Director of Modern Widows Club, a national non-profit organization that serves to empower widows to lean into life, build resilience and make a positive difference in society. Cindy became a widow in July 2011 when her husband died from a sudden heart attack. She found Modern Widows Club three weeks later and found her passion and purpose while leading two chapters in the Seattle area. She is seeking to rebuild a chapter in our area and invites anyone interested to contact her at regionalwest@modernwidowsclub.org.

Now more than ever our communities are coming face to face with grief and loss in a multitude of forms. Whether it is the loss of a family member, friends or the spouse of someone you know it is hard to know just what to do. I believe most of us want to reach out but become intimidated or overwhelmed with just what to do. We don’t want to avoid the situation, but we also don’t want to be faced with the raw grief and potentially saying or doing something that could be upsetting to the person grieving. Let’s face it, death is part of life and being present with someone in grief is the greatest gift you can give.

My husband died suddenly in July 2011. To this day I am overwhelmed with the love and care I received from my family, friends and church family. The word got out late at night, the next morning there was a group of ladies from our church who came over and just started weeding my back yard. Someone else came early in the morning to bring a pot of soup and to find out what we needed. A meal train was started that took care of us and the visiting family for two weeks. My neighbor had her son mow our lawn for the rest of the summer. I have one dear friend who randomly sent notes, texts or calls especially on important remembrance days like the anniversary of his death or his birthday even now 9 years later. I could go on for days about how well taken care of we were. While every single thing each person did was so appreciated, what I appreciated most was the message “you are not alone, we are here and we will walk with you”.

A fellow widow Facebook friend, Kirsten Jackson has a Facebook page called The Grief Doula. Kirsten created a list of things you might do when someone you know loses someone they love and especially a widow:

‘JUST Happened List:

1. Take a variety of things to DRINK! She can’t eat right now but she’s dehydrated and doesn’t know it. Take her bottles of water, tea, juice, Gatorade…not sodas! If you are one of the “Inner Circle” friends put the drink in her hand! She will not think to pick it up.
2. If you are a friend, but not in the Inner Circle…. still go there. She will remember the onslaught of love later, even if she is in a fog now. Hug tight, be silent, be present and leave quickly unless you see a need (See #5). If you have to say something, say “This sucks” or “It’s horrible” or “I’m so sorry”. Acknowledge her pain, but unless you’ve been widowed do not say “I know how you feel”.
3. Be brave. Look this in the eye. Don’t be scared, too…. she already is so frightened. Do not “visit!”. If she talks, listen. If she doesn’t, you can sit there if it feels right. Don’t try to talk about “other things”. She may be really afraid or being socially inappropriate right now. Assure her she can say or do anything in front of you. Tell her you are proud of her. Don’t say “If I were in your situation I would…” It doesn’t help. Do not make this about you at all.
4. Take to the house; paper goods, tissues in big boxes and cute packets (open them and put them throughout the house for her), disposable cups, comfort food in freezer appropriate containers, flowers, pretty things, chocolate for later, easy to eat vegetables and fruit. If there are children, take toys, movies, books or anything that distracts and gives them a break from thinking about it.
5. DO: laundry, straighten up, clean the kitchen, dust, vacuum, clean her car, or anything else that you can see that needs to be done. If there are children take them to the park, to the movies, outside unless she clearly wants them to hear her…which is possible. ASK. She may be in shock and will be foggy so speak clearly and slowly. If you are in the Inner Circle let her know she’s in shock, she needs to know that.
6. Run interference, answer the phone, answer the door, write down the names and contact info of people who come but don’t let them see her if she is resting…. assure them and her that she will see the list.
7. Many people send flowers, while they are a lovely gesture I personally like the gift cards for a massage, pedicure or something along those lines of future self-care.
8. Be careful of your comments (regardless of how well meaning), be aware, be prayerful, be loving and be silent if possible. Remind her to breathe, hold her hand.
9. PRAY and always love…. always!

Remember grief and loss are not something a person gets over. They wake up with it every day and it walks beside them. Every person will experience grief in their own way. Hopefully, they will learn to manage it and honor the person they miss by choosing the way they live with positivity, gratitude and love. It is important to know that we can acknowledge their pain, being heard helps. I love the saying “Nobody truly dies until they are forgotten”. Speaking their loved one’s name, sharing your stories about them and freely talking about them actually brings great comfort. What we all need is love and grace to make our way on this journey.

Resources for Grief and Loss:
How do your help a friend in grief
Refuge in Grief
Book – It’s Ok that You’re Not Ok by Megan Divine
Modern Widows Club

about

Cindy Toledo

 Cindy Toledo is currently the Regional West Director of Modern Widows Club, a national non-profit organization that serves to empower widows to lean into life, build resilience and make a positive difference in society. Cindy became a widow in July 2011 when her husband died from a sudden heart attack. She found Modern Widows Club three weeks later and found her passion and purpose while leading two chapters in the Seattle area. She is seeking to rebuild a chapter in our area and invites anyone interested to contact her at regionalwest@modernwidowsclub.org.

We can all agree, life as we have known it is turned upside down right now. Many of us are staying
connected via Zoom or communication tools. Being a very relational person I’m particularly thankful for
these options. In my job as Regional Director of the Non-Profit Organization Modern Widows Club I am
on Zoom nearly everyday and sometimes for hours. On one hand, I LOVE talking to our leaders and
supporting them as they lead their respective chapters across the country. On the other hand,
sometimes I can feel exhausted and actually somewhat disconnected. For me, feeling disconnected can
breed discontentment. This past week I was faced with this disconnected feeling and spent some time
really delving into why I was feeling this way. It so happens our organization provides monthly topics for
our leaders that are centered around what we call “The Seven Pillars of a Healthy Widow”. While you
may not be a widow, we can all be challenged with the circumstances of life that bring varying forms of
grief, loneliness and being out of sync with ourselves or our community. This month’s topic “Level Up
the Relational Bonding This Summer” was really on point for how I had been feeling.

While I am now remarried, I became widowed 9 years ago when my husband died from a sudden heart
attack. Life as I knew it was turned upside down, not unlike what we are all experiencing right now.
Everything changed at that moment and I was immediately faced with choosing how I would walk this
journey. I am forever grateful that I found the Modern Widows Club just three weeks after my husband
died. Our mission statement is to “encourage widows to lean into life, build resilience and make a
positive difference in society”. A key component to accomplishing this for any widow or any woman is
to CHOOSE how we will weather the storms we face, including evaluating our relationships and what
we want from them. I spoke with a couple of people in my life this past week and let them know I was
feeling disconnected. In these particular relationships it had everything to do with me and hardly
anything to do with them. Because we have a deep relationship it was just good to be open and honest
and walk thru it together.

Losses in life such as death, divorce, loss of jobs, and even loss of hopes and dreams can change our
relationships with the people in our lives. Taking inventory of our relationships and determining what
we need and or want can be a healthy action to raise our satisfaction quotient in our lives. Consider
these questions and or actions suggested by our Founder, Carolyn Moor:

• Who is in our lives and do we want to “level up” the relationship? It is up to us to make a choice
  to level up the relationship.
• Strive for relationship balance, am I doing my part?
• Deal with conflicts head-on and then move on. Instead of texting (often intentions are
  misunderstood) use actual conversation or using other video-driven apps like Marco Polo where
  your voice is heard.
• Only apply fixing and controlling to your TV remote.
• Understand your happiness is your responsibility.
• Take self-care time.
• Share feelings openly and honestly with kindness.
• Agree to disagree.

Relationships and friendships can develop on many levels, whether it be utility, pleasure, or doing
good together. As long as there is mutual respect and admiration for each other’s qualities,
something will blossom or grow from where we are to what we want it to be.

about

Cindy Toledo

 Cindy Toledo is currently the Regional West Director of Modern Widows Club, a national non-profit organization that serves to empower widows to lean into life, build resilience and make a positive difference in society. Cindy became a widow in July 2011 when her husband died from a sudden heart attack. She found Modern Widows Club three weeks later and found her passion and purpose while leading two chapters in the Seattle area. She is seeking to rebuild a chapter in our area and invites anyone interested to contact her at regionalwest@modernwidowsclub.org.