There’s a quote by Jill Churchill, “There’s no way to be a perfect mother, and a million ways to be a good one.” It’s a favorite quote of mine, and while I agree with the million, I am taking it down to 12 for today.

1. SELF WORTH

Know our absolute-more-than-enough-worthiness and hold it as a truth that we never ever doubt. This is the number one way to live into our true selves, shine our light as a mom and model to our family that we are the real deal. We know that being who we really are is way beyond enough, and being a mom has nothing to do with that.

2. TELL THE TRUTH

Face the hard and sometimes cold or scary truth. When we can tell the truth about what is happening rather than avoid or deny it, this is when we can get a sense of control over it. Moms are naturally going to want to protect their family from pain, and that’s normal, but the truth is freeing even if it is painful sometimes.  Just as important is facing our own truths. Sometimes these are even harder for us but going through hard things instead of around or over them is one way that we can stay in integrity with ourselves.

3. FEEL OUR FEELINGS

Our emotions are our greatest weakness and greatest strength as moms. When we are aware of our emotional baseline, our typical mood, we can be aware of intense emotion when it comes in. If we notice, feel, and allow our emotions, no matter whether they are positive or negative we show our families that we are human. We can handle most any emotion when we remember that it is created from our thoughts. Again, modeling this for our loved ones shows them and us that we can handle life (at least most of the time), no matter what happens.

4. LET OUR KIDS FEEL PAIN and FAIL

Knowing as a mom that our kids are supposed to experience pain as well as joy is a hard one. Remember this is how being a human works – to have happiness and disappointment, to be successful and to also have failures. It’s not our job to protect our kids or rob them of any of this. It is, after all, in their journeys that they learn and adapt and grow and this is how they will achieve their goals. Each of our kids’ journeys are uniquely their own, and our job is to just be there at each mile marker, cheering them on, and being their biggest fan.

5. RESPONSIBILITY

Know the responsibilities that are ours to own and the ones that are absolutely not. An easy way to decide is based on this concept: We each take responsibility for our own emotions and actions, period. This means that I don’t blame my husband for “causing” me to feel stressed. Our kids, even when young, can also be taught that their feelings are valid, and they can learn how to show and share them (with support of course). This way we do not get caught up in “making everyone happy.”

6. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

We love every person in our family with as much unconditional love as the moment we first held them and fell in love with them. This love is without any expectation of the other person to do, or be, or act in any certain way. This also means we can love others and still tell them no, without apology. We can set boundaries out of love for everyone, including, and most of all sometimes, for us. And, we can extend the same unconditional love and grace to ourselves that we give to others.

7. TIME FOR FUN!

We intentionally find ways to have fun and experience joy, pleasure and laughter with our families and sometimes without our families. We make plans every day to spend time just being in a state of emotion that we want to be in. Moms who make plans with their friends give their families time and space to build independence and healthy relationships without them, which is the ultimate goal after all.

8. IMPERFECTION

We don’t get everything done. We’re ok with being the only mom who chooses sugar cereals sometimes for our kids. We yell sometimes too. We don’t have the perfectly clean, decorated, and organized home and we do not worry what other people think about that. Some days we do a great job doing it all and some days we don’t, at all. When we know that being perfect is such a waste of our limited energy, and know also that being imperfect helps our kids know that making mistakes is part of real life, we can take pressure off. It’s a relief! Clean house? Maybe it’s time to clean, yes. Let it go another day? That’s OK too.

9. FAIRNESS

Life is not fair. That’s the actual truth of the matter, bummer that it is. A rule we have in our family is this: Everyone gets what they need, and fair does not mean equal.  This helps so much when one kid needs shoes and a musical instrument for their passion and another needs a softball glove and mascara. It also works really well when one gets their driver’s license at one age and another gets it later. Trying to make things equal in a family is not necessary. Life is not fair and we do our best with that by making sure everyone gets what they need.

10. LOVE IS ALWAYS AN OPTION

Whenever we do not know what to do, and there are many times this happens as moms, we know that we can always ask this question, “What would love do in this situation?” and then we will know exactly what to do.

11. APPRECIATION

Taking a moment every day or evening to just stop and say thank you for each of our family members in our life is a beautiful way to feel gratitude. We do not have to tell them thank you, but we can write in a journal or just think in our minds about them and about all the things that we appreciate about them. The practice of gratitude is simple, intentional and free, but when we align ourselves to our heart when we do it it feels amazing.

12. CONVERSATIONS

Having easy conversations is easy, so we can do that often and it builds connection. Having hard conversations is harder, so we often don’t do it and it builds disconnection. To have hard conversations, start by starting with love. Love for the other person, love for yourself, and love for the relationship. When it’s coming from pure love it cannot go wrong.

Which of these are your favorites, mama?  As the Good Mom Coach, I coach moms on so many of these concepts, because the truth is, many moms doubt their momabilities! There is often just a simple mindset shift needed and the same mom regains her confidence with ease. Visit my website at www.goodmomcoach.com to learn more about me and my coaching and you can also listen to The Good Mom podcast there too.

about

Jodi Schilling

Jodi is a compassionate and relatable life coach for moms who have neurodiversity in their families. Jodi helps moms uncover who they are and what they really want without apology or guilt, through her proven personalized coaching program! She is a mom of four herself, with 20 years of experience in education plus expertise in autism, bipolar disorder, positive psychology, and DBT. Jodi holds a M.S. in Educational Leadership and is certified as a life coach and weight coach with The Life Coach School. You can learn more by chatting with Jodi on a free Turning Point call.  

Jodi invites you to listen to her weekly ad-free podcast, The Good Mom Podcast, where she shares short stories with unconventional solutions that will uplift and inspire you.

Listen here: The Good Mom Podcast

When one of our kids, teens, or adult kids acts in a way that throws us for a loop, it’s hard to come up with the right response in the moment, especially if the behavior triggers our emotions. We sometimes react in a way that we don’t want, or we may think, “I don’t like this behavior, but I don’t know what to do about it.”

As moms, thoughts like this seem to go through our heads All. The. Time. What if our response sends the wrong message? What if this is one of those critical moments that defines our relationship forever?  We place such high stakes on responding the “right” way, no wonder we stress so much as moms!

Here’s the best news. We can think about behavior in a whole new way, and we can control our own actions (bonus!) with a simple 3-step process that works for any behavior that a family member displays.

We Are All Doing the Best We Can

First, there is no “right” way to respond in an unexpected situation. It is not very useful to think that we are doing anything “wrong” when we are dealing with behaviors from others.  We are doing the best we can. We truly are.

Speaking of doing the best we can, I like to think this same thought about the person who is acting out, too. They are doing the best they can, at least in this moment. Doing the best we can is helpful to believe about any human being, actually. I know that this concept can feel like a stretch sometimes, but here’s the thing: The person is struggling emotionally and acting in a way that indicates they are struggling. Very often this is an indicator of a bigger problem that is a factor in driving their behavior. In any case, behavior is simply a form of communication.  The behavior is often communicating that the physical, intellectual, social or emotional demands being placed on a person in that moment are more than they can handle. This is true for little kids, teens, or even adults.

How to Deal with Any Behavior in 3 Steps

I have a simple guide that helps me decide what to do for any behavior in three simple steps. It’s important first to remember that we only have control of our side of the exchange. The underlying emotions that we choose to drive our response can be any that we choose. I like to choose compassion, love, or confidence usually, (but I often have to concentrate on breathing to do this).  When we have family members who struggle with mental health, lots of behaviors can come up often. As moms, we are often the disciplinarian as well as the person who also holds all the information about each family member’s diagnoses, personal  preferences, and emotional triggers. With multiple family members, all with individual needs, this simple categorizing tool can help us quickly identify the best response for the behavior. Then, we can take the next step.

Step 1 ~ Take a deep breath.  This is important for regulating our own emotions and giving us a clear mind to take the next step.

Step 2 ~ Choose the emotion we want to feel. Our emotions drive our actions so we want to be intentional about the emotion we want to feel before we take any actions.

Step 3 ~ Decide the category the behavior belongs in. There are 3 categories I have found in my experience as a mom, teacher, and coach for responding to all types of behaviors. The first is the LET IT GO category. The second is CONVERSATION. The third is SAFETY.  The chart below describes these in more detail:

Once the behavior has been categorized the next part is much easier.  If the behavior is in the LET IT GO category, there’s no reason to use any brain power or energy on it. We truly just let it go. No worrying about it, and no second-guessing. When we give grace from a place of empathy and understanding, it feels good. For younger kids, we have heard that we must be 100% consistent for every behavior, otherwise they will learn they can “get away” with it. In my experience this is not true. Kids learn that we all make mistakes and empathy is just as important as expectations.

If the behavior falls in the CONVERSATION category, this is a wonderful opportunity for connecting on a deeper level, building trust, and collaborating to solve a problem. Our first reaction is not usually to think of these events as opportunities for strengthening our family relationships, but in all the ups and downs of family life, the challenging events really can help us do exactly that. It’s a matter of the way we choose to think about behaviors, our role as a mom, and our motivation to nurture healthy relationships.

One of the most important benefits of using this system is for behaviors that fall in the SAFETY category. For family members who may be experiencing severe symptoms of their mental health diagnosis, it can be difficult as a mom to determine if professional help is needed. Whenever safety is a concern this is an automatic call. There is a sense of relief and control to not have to waver on the decision, especially in the emotional moments.

If you or another mom you know would like more support in behavior management, showing up calm and confident, or creating deeper relationships within the family, I am booking clients in my coaching program to coach moms on these goals. You can book an initial call for free. I also host a podcast where I share more tips and supportive solutions for moms. You’ll find me wherever you listen to podcasts by searching The Good Mom Podcast with Jodi Schilling. Here is a free resource that has 7 Ways to Feel Better Now for any mom going through a family crisis situation.

about

Jodi Schilling

Jodi is a compassionate and relatable life coach for moms who have neurodiversity in their families. Jodi helps moms uncover who they are and what they really want without apology or guilt, through her proven personalized coaching program! She is a mom of four herself, with 20 years of experience in education plus expertise in autism, bipolar disorder, positive psychology, and DBT. Jodi holds a M.S. in Educational Leadership and is certified as a life coach and weight coach with The Life Coach School. You can learn more by chatting with Jodi on a free Turning Point call.  

Jodi invites you to listen to her weekly ad-free podcast, The Good Mom Podcast, where she shares short stories with unconventional solutions that will uplift and inspire you.

Listen here: The Good Mom Podcast

Our families, by nature and social conditioning, are supposed to be our safe place. We think of our family as the place where we are included, accepted, and loved unconditionally. Again, at least we think it is supposed to be this way. But, every family at one time or another will go through some type of a family crisis.

When the unexpected happens and our family is impacted in an alarming or negative way, it can be a family crisis. We can be resilient in our response as a family or we can be fragile in our response. From experience, resilience is the preferred way.

Moms, as nature will have it, usually take on the leading role in determining if the family will respond to the crisis with resilience or fragility, but all family members contribute and play supportive roles.

First though, it is important to know that there are two truths and a lie to be aware of in any family crisis.

The first truth: Whatever is happening in a family crisis, there are some clear facts. Facing reality and knowing the facts is an important first step to being resilient. Avoiding reality because we are afraid of the truth only keeps us dodging around, not knowing what the real problem or danger is.  We waste precious time and energy and lose connection when we do not face the facts, often the ones that are right in front of us.

Will it be easy? No. Facing the truth that a loved one is suffering from mental illness, abusing substances, or has been lying to us about something significant can be the hardest part of the whole situation. Identifying what the facts are first is a critical step to being resilient.

Second, in any family crisis our brains will automatically go to work to solve the problem. The problem with this is that our brains seek patterns and repeat whatever has been done before in similar situations. It quickly scans for the most efficient solution, but this is often not the most effective solution, especially because a family crisis typically involves intense emotions and unexpected (often negative) events to process through.  The first, most efficient response the brain usually comes up with is blame. Who is at fault? How did this happen? It is a quick answer, and unfortunately for moms we often point the finger right back at ourselves.

This brings us to the third, critically important truth to know, in any family crisis. This one is for moms only. There is a lie we tell ourselves; that if our kids are really struggling or if our family is having a crisis. The lie is that we are a “bad mom.” This is a bold-faced lie. Trust me when I say if you are a mom with a family who has big problems, YOU are an amazing, strong, and good mom. This is the truth.

Now that we have these three critically important truths identified, HOW do we respond in a crisis to be resilient as a family?

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I like to think of resiliency as facing a problem first and then showing relentless staying power until it is solved. It exemplifies stability and strength. It is also defined by connectedness. Resilience is sheer determination to remain solid and steady. It also means getting back up when we fall down. Here is how these characteristics of resiliency show up in families in crisis:

• Facing the reality and facts of the crisis at hand, including our own part in it, and persevering until it is solved or at least reduced.
• Allowing all emotions and not being afraid to show them.
• Valuing connection and staying connected by listening, accepting, loving unconditionally, and forgiving.
• Remaining solid in our commitments, and steady in our faith.
• Getting back up, moving forward, and keeping going, in crisis or not.

Fragile families respond to crisis in a completely opposite way.

They are not doing crisis “wrong.”  There is no right or wrong way to do a family crisis. It is just that some families respond to a crisis in a way that makes them more fragile instead of more resilient.

Running away from the crisis, or trying to avoid reality is one way families become disempowered. They see the crisis as having power over them, and it is an obstacle they cannot face, much less maneuver around. Accepting that a crisis is happening, while actively addressing what can be done, is so much more empowering.

Hiding from and avoiding emotions, or limiting the emotions that are “allowed” in a family is another way that relationships and the family unit can break down, especially in a crisis. Emotional processing, before, during, and especially after a crisis, sometimes requires professional help, but feeling emotions and feeling them all the way through will always be helpful for mental health.

When we are wishing our family would act differently, or judging their actions, when we resort to blaming, shaming, or rejecting within our families, this is when we disconnect. Disconnection makes us less resilient, and more susceptible to breaking down (metaphorically speaking) or breaking apart in terms of our relationships.

And finally, families become fragile when the family members give up on each other. Even in crisis, in the most challenging of times, resilient families have each family member’s back. They believe in each other. They love each other unconditionally. They forgive. They connect.

* If your family has experienced a crisis and needs help bouncing back, I am exactly the crisis coach for you! Check out my website at www.reallifelifecoach.com where you’ll find my podcast, crisis resources, and coaching.

about

Jodi Schilling

Jodi is a compassionate and relatable life coach for moms who have neurodiversity in their families. Jodi helps moms uncover who they are and what they really want without apology or guilt, through her proven personalized coaching program! She is a mom of four herself, with 20 years of experience in education plus expertise in autism, bipolar disorder, positive psychology, and DBT. Jodi holds a M.S. in Educational Leadership and is certified as a life coach and weight coach with The Life Coach School. You can learn more by chatting with Jodi on a free Turning Point call.  

Jodi invites you to listen to her weekly ad-free podcast, The Good Mom Podcast, where she shares short stories with unconventional solutions that will uplift and inspire you.

Listen here: The Good Mom Podcast

One strategy a therapist taught me is what I call the Rule of 3.

There are three ways other people respond to families in crisis.

While I usually avoid labeling or categorizing people because of negative impacts such as stereotyping, in the context of thinking tools for women, this strategy has helped me a lot.

How Do Humans Behave In Crisis Situations?

When we talk about, “How do humans behave in crisis”, it is best illustrated on an airplane.

Kids who struggle – kids who really struggle – are ones who have brains that learn differently than the way “most” people expect. I am saying most loosely, but there are generally accepted behaviors in the society and culture in which we belong, and people of all ages have expectations for what is acceptable.

This is important for moms to know. Any mom with a child screaming on an airplane knows instantly what I am talking about. Moms with kids who have autism and other social, emotional or behavioral diagnoses are hyper-aware of other people’s responses and reactions to their kids. This is a natural, instinctual part of momming.

The rule of 3 categorizes the three main types of reactions we can expect from other people when we have a child acting out emotionally in an extreme way.

The child’s reaction can be unimaginable, they can get on the track that was not expected or could have never been expected. That’s why , the scenario can best describe the role of the general behavior for, “How do humans behave in crises”.

Back to the airplane.

When a child is climbing, kicking, crying, screaming, hitting, or throwing objects on an airplane there will be three reactions from other people:

1. People who see the behavior as separate from the child, who empathize with the child and the mom, and who just “get it.” These people do not judge. They may stay out of the scene or they may reach out to support, but they are heaven-sent angels for moms with kids in crisis, simply because they can empathize.

2. People who see the behavior as alarming and concerning, and think they know simple solutions to correct, prevent, or stop it. These folks mean well, but they don’t fully understand how the diagnosis manifests in behavior. These people can learn. Maybe not at the moment, but we can teach them eventually.

3. People who see the behavior as unacceptable and sometimes even see the child and mom as unacceptable. They do not want to understand or learn. Their response is to reject, shame, or judge the family harshly, sometimes overtly and sometimes silently.

The airplane scene illustrates the concept in a way that we can picture, but this same idea applies to moms with families managing other types of crisis. Moms with teen or adult kids as well, who may be suffering with substance use or suicidality. In fact, any woman going through a situation where other people’s reactions matter to them can use the rule of 3 strategy.

Why is categorizing people’s reactions helpful?

The first reason is simplification. simply because it gives our brain a task that makes some sense of our complex problem. The brain is wired for efficiency and is constantly scanning to solve problems. Dealing with people’s reactions is messy, adding to the challenge of coping with mental health struggles. Identifying that there are just three main reactions simplifies the problem.

The second reason this helps is predictability. Again, our female brains want to handle all the problems of the world – the immediate crisis being one, and all the people’s reactions being two. It does so much better when we know what to expect. If we know ahead of time that no matter what the crisis is there will be 3 types of reactions from other people this takes away some uncertainty and gives us more brain space to choose what to focus on.

The third reason I love this strategy is because it helps with decision-making. I can quickly decide who I want on my team in any situation. If they get it, they are in. If they are willing to learn they also are invited but I am open to letting them go if teaching them takes too much of my limited brain energy. Those in category 3 are quickly eliminated without unnecessary drama.

Lastly, this strategy is most helpful because it exemplifies self-awareness. We can recognize when we judge others for judging us! Judging is, again a natural response we all have as humans, but it’s also unnecessary and unhelpful. People all have their own experiences and reasons for the way they respond or react to others. While it’s wonderful to meet people in category 1 who show us empathy without judgment, and lovely to teach people in category 2 who are willing to learn more about mental health, it is also OK to just let the people in category 3 be just the way they are. We don’t have to be angry or upset or offended when they do not understand and do not want to understand more about our families’ struggles. We are only “judging the judgers”, and doing exactly what we wish they wouldn’t do to us. Right? It’s so much better in my experience, especially in a crisis, to focus on the 1’s and 2’s: the people who get it, and the people who want to learn more.

For strategies and tips for managing a family crisis of any kind, reach out to me at jodi@reallifelifecoach.com or visit my website at www.reallifelifecoach.com. I offer 1:1 coaching, a private FB moms’ retreat, and other free resources.

about

Jodi Schilling

Jodi is a compassionate and relatable life coach for moms who have neurodiversity in their families. Jodi helps moms uncover who they are and what they really want without apology or guilt, through her proven personalized coaching program! She is a mom of four herself, with 20 years of experience in education plus expertise in autism, bipolar disorder, positive psychology, and DBT. Jodi holds a M.S. in Educational Leadership and is certified as a life coach and weight coach with The Life Coach School. You can learn more by chatting with Jodi on a free Turning Point call.  

Jodi invites you to listen to her weekly ad-free podcast, The Good Mom Podcast, where she shares short stories with unconventional solutions that will uplift and inspire you.

Listen here: The Good Mom Podcast

At some point or another, every mom experiences “crisis-mode” within their family. Any time our
kids go through physical or emotional pain or even struggle with typical but difficult life
moments, moms jump into action to make it better. That adrenaline rush reminds us of our
natural instinct to protect our young. But for moms with kids who suffer from severe mental
illnesses, crisis response goes further and deeper.

More than ever, kids and teens are being diagnosed with anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder,
oppositional defiance, and borderline personality disorders. These diagnoses bring with them
higher risks for substance use, learning problems, self-harm, and suicide. When any family
member is fighting an emotional battle the whole family is fighting an emotional battle. As a mom
who has experienced many battles, I want to share three false beliefs that are important to
understand for anyone going through difficult emotional times.

The Blame Game.

Our brains are wired to interpret information from a negative perspective. It is actually by design,
in order to keep us alive from our primitive days, but the trait unfortunately persists. This is partly
why moms immediately blame themselves when anything goes wrong within their families. It’s
like a switch flips on and every single scene in the history of their motherhood plays like a movie
trailer. The title is “This is Your Fault.” As anyone looking at a family crisis from the outside can
see, the idea that the mom is at fault is erroneous and ridiculous. Most moms have done
everything possible to prevent the very situation. Like most things in real life, no single person is
to blame, but rather a number of factors combine to create a result. In the case of mental health,
biological, environmental and social conditions largely factor in. The antidote to self-blame?
Reminders, from ourselves, that our self-blaming story is simply not true. Family struggles are
not our fault. The truth? Life challenges happen and mental health is not well-understood,
prioritized, or treated. When any of us are struggling with mental health it’s no one’s fault.

Hiding Out.

Another way our primitive brain works against us is the “strength in numbers” or social
acceptance mechanism. We are conditioned to be part of a social group. We naturally feel safe
and protected in a tribe. This is also part of our DNA. Alternatively, when we are excluded or
rejected from a social group we feel vulnerable and unsafe. How does this play out with families
who are struggling? Moms with families in crisis believe they are alone in their plight. Telling
other moms what is happening risks being rejected by the “normal mom group.” Moms have
a good reason for believing this will happen, by the way. Shunning people for mental illness has
long been the standard in our society. Most of us would rather suffer in isolation than subject
themselves to the judgement, shame, and rejection from others. This only perpetuates the
stigmas of mental illness. The real truth here: Normal is relative. Everyone needs support with
mental health at one time or another. The more we can open up about this topic and shine a
light on the real-life emotional struggles that kids and adults are having, the better we can cope,
together. From there, we can learn more about improving mental health for all.

Perfect? Not.

This idea of perfectionism…I am not sure where or how it was created, but I do know it is a big
hurdle for the moms I work with. For many, I think trying to be perfect is our way of “making up”
for our perceived mistakes. If we can just do this one thing perfectly or make some things look
perfect at least, we will feel better. Whether it’s to prove something to ourselves about our worth
or keep us busy so we don’t have to feel negative emotions, going around aiming for perfection
works for both…until it doesn’t. The thing about perfection is that it is impossible to attain. Even
when we get really close sometimes, it is impossible to maintain. Getting honest with ourselves
about our perfection tendencies is the first step. Then we can decide to release perfection’s grip
on us by remembering that being imperfect is being real. For me and my clients, this realization
is the truth we are ready to embrace.

More Truths.

These three thinking errors are biggies for moms of families in crisis. Knowing and
understanding them with clear, honest self-awareness opens up our minds to create space for
beliefs that serve us way better. So many women (not just moms) battle the very same mind
games. Taking blame or more than our share of responsibility, staying quiet instead of risking
rejection, and trying to be perfect are all barriers that keep us from connecting with other
women. When we understand this better, we can open up, connect with others going through
similar pains, and support each other. If you see these thought errors showing up in your life
and want some help getting a handle on them, my coaching program is your answer. Check out
www.realllifelifecoach.com to learn more.

about

Jodi Schilling

Jodi is a compassionate and relatable life coach for moms who have neurodiversity in their families. Jodi helps moms uncover who they are and what they really want without apology or guilt, through her proven personalized coaching program! She is a mom of four herself, with 20 years of experience in education plus expertise in autism, bipolar disorder, positive psychology, and DBT. Jodi holds a M.S. in Educational Leadership and is certified as a life coach and weight coach with The Life Coach School. You can learn more by chatting with Jodi on a free Turning Point call.  

Jodi invites you to listen to her weekly ad-free podcast, The Good Mom Podcast, where she shares short stories with unconventional solutions that will uplift and inspire you.

Listen here: The Good Mom Podcast

We hear it all the time, how gratitude benefits our mental health. A daily routine that includes
taking time to acknowledge what we are thankful for can literally create new neural pathways in
our brains, effectively rewiring our minds for positivity. There is even a cumulative effect to doing
this every single day that can improve our self-confidence, relationships and physical health! It
is something as a mom who has experienced a family crisis or two knows, is absolutely
essential to getting through hard things. All that being said, when I coach moms who are
managing a family crisis I approach the concept of gratitude a little unconventionally. There are
three key differences:

• Appreciation vs. Gratitude
• Telling the Truth
• Real Life is 50/50

APPRECIATION vs. GRATITUDE

At times of crisis, our natural tendency is to hyper-focus on all the problems. Of course we do
this – our world feels like it is crumbling, so we scramble to repair it, and our thoughts are
consumed with survival and protection. It is hard to imagine that we have room for gratitude at a
time like this. Fortunately, our brains are capable of creating positive thoughts and emotions
whenever we direct it to. What I have found is using the words “I appreciate…” are a slight shift
from “I am thankful for…” Appreciating is more active, and this is what our brain wants to do in a
crisis – to take action. Trying to be thankful and saying “I’m thankful for…” is more passive and it
also feels slightly disingenuous at a time like this. Do you see the subtle difference? Even when
our families are going through the hardest things, we can take time every day to write down the
words “I appreciate…” and include just one tiny thing, which may be simply our morning coffee.

MUST BE TRUE

In all the information we hear about gratitude it is rare that we hear the dark side of gratitude.
That feeling we get when we say we are thankful for something that deep down we don’t really
feel thankful for at the moment but we think we should. As moms who judge ourselves routinely
all the time, especially if our families are struggling, this forced gratitude just makes us feel guilty
on top of not feeling grateful – a double negative! The way out of the dark here is to just tell the
truth to ourselves. “I don’t appreciate that my child is in pain right now, not at all, if I am honest.
And, I do appreciate her therapist making time to see her.” Or, “I don’t appreciate my husband
sitting on the couch at a time when I need him to help out, but I do appreciate him spending time
with our son right now.” Even in the worst of times, such as being in the ER in fear, despair and
fatigue, using the words, “I appreciate…” is still possible. This moves us closer to calm, peace
and self-compassion, as long as it is true.

Lastly, thinking we should feel thankful for something in our life that we do not actually
appreciate in the moment has no benefit in writing down. Writing down all of our thoughts can
still be beneficial, however, even if they are not positive at all. Noticing what our brains are using
to fuel our emotions can be so revealing, and is our first step to truly finding thoughts of real
appreciation. As with all of our thoughts, telling the truth to ourselves is number one.

REAL LIFE is 50/50

No one understands the contrast of crisis-mode vs. “cruise control” better than a mom with a
family in crisis. It is fascinating to me that because I have gone through challenging times with
my family, I truly appreciate my family more. This goes for my life, and myself too. Let me
explain:

In any life, there will be half of the time, unwanted, or negative experiences, and half of the time
wanted, or positive experiences. We know things will happen that we do not want to happen.
We know things will happen that we actively try to prevent from happening. What is important to
know is that any event is part of the 50/50 of a full human life. It may be in the half that’s
positive, or it may be in the half that’s negative. It’s supposed to be this way – we can choose to
accept this reality.

The way this concept applies to a family crisis and ties to gratitude is like this:

Our families will go through hard things – all of our families will. During and after these hard
times we can feel all the emotions that moms can feel, and we can appreciate that we are fully
human. We can appreciate the happy, positive, and wonderful times so much more when we
have experienced the sad, difficult, and heartbreaking times. One is more vivid in contrast to
the other.

Appreciating even the most difficult life events by noticing how they teach us, grow us, enlighten
us, connect us, and even push us, is an amazingly empowering process. Appreciation, truly,
shows us how to live our fullest life.

#appreciating
#reallifelifecoach
#crisis-mode
#lifeis50/50

about

Jodi Schilling

Jodi is a compassionate and relatable life coach for moms who have neurodiversity in their families. Jodi helps moms uncover who they are and what they really want without apology or guilt, through her proven personalized coaching program! She is a mom of four herself, with 20 years of experience in education plus expertise in autism, bipolar disorder, positive psychology, and DBT. Jodi holds a M.S. in Educational Leadership and is certified as a life coach and weight coach with The Life Coach School. You can learn more by chatting with Jodi on a free Turning Point call.  

Jodi invites you to listen to her weekly ad-free podcast, The Good Mom Podcast, where she shares short stories with unconventional solutions that will uplift and inspire you.

Listen here: The Good Mom Podcast