The EMPTY NEST…it sounds so…empty and sad!

The name itself suggests that this stage of life is missing something. A nest is supposed to be filled with eggs and the young and we are supposed to be feeding and caring for those young. Once the nest is empty then it is not fulfilling its purpose. WOW, what do we set ourselves up for with this name???

Of course, there are feelings of sadness and loss and grief with the ending of the child-rearing years. And there should be! Things that are important to us bring sadness when they end. The child-rearing years are wonderful, hard, challenging, incredibly busy, ever-changing and they lead us to grow in ways we never would have on our own. When those years come to an end they deserve our grief. But that feeling of emptiness need not define the next stage.

I feel that this next stage in life invites us to many exciting opportunities. We have maturity and experience. We have had enough experience to know what we like and hopefully, we have the maturity to know ourselves, both our strengths and our weaknesses. We also have the freedom to discern what our heart is telling us to fill it up with. Rather than spending our time focused on feeding and caring for our young which is wonderful and amazing, we can broaden our focus towards taking all of the gifts that we were born with and have developed as Mothers and use them in ways that serve our neighborhoods, communities, society, our world. We can make a difference. I see nothing in living a life focused on living with purpose and meaning and values that say “empty nest”.

Clearly, we need a new name for this exciting time in life. Teresa Barthol https://www.facebook.com/teresa.barthol calls this time in life The Third Quarter. I like this because it speaks to the Arc of Life and reminds us that just because we are post-kids, post-menopausal, post-anything doesn’t mean that we are post-living. We have so much life to live, and so many gifts and skills and knowledge and wisdom to share.

I think my choice for this time in life is the Full Heart stage. My heart is full with my husband, my family, and friends, and answering the Call of my Heart in my work. It is full of joy and creativity and play. Yup, I am sticking with calling this time The Full Heart stage!

about

Karen Herold

After 30 plus in the business world Karen Herold considers herself a recovering CPA, finance and executive management business leader. She left her business career to pursue a master’s in transpersonal psychology followed soon thereafter by certification as a psychosynthesis life coach. She brings her wisdom and knowledge as a yoga teacher, creative expression arts facilitator, energy psychologist and a life transition coach to each coaching session. Karen is also a member of the faculty at Sofia University. Karen empowers and encourages her clients to embrace Transition as an Invitation to envision, create and manifest their next stage in life as one that is filled with Purpose, Meaning and Value. Karen is a contributing author to The Call of Self: Psychosynthesis Life Coaching, which is a journey to understanding transpersonally oriented life coaching where she shares her experience of the intersection of life coaching and volleyball coaching.

Karen is the mother of three adult daughters…all of whom she coached in club volleyball at one time or another. She is also grandmother to four young grandchildren and is recently married to her loving husband Chris.

I am a very happy empty nester! I have launched my three daughters, they are all three married, successfully employed (or intentionally not!), starting their families, acquiring homes, doing all the wonderful, exciting, joy-filled things that young people do. I have had a few years to revel in this stage and to share time with them and without them and to rediscover who I am as a woman separate from her children and separate from my identity as “Mom”.

The past few weeks have a new reality in my life. A couple of weeks ago I was taking care of three of my grandchildren while their parents were taking a well-deserved break. The last day I was babysitting I received a call from another daughter who was at my parents’ house. She had answered their call for help as my mother was experiencing a health challenge. My parents knew I was not available and had finally thought of calling my daughter who lives relatively close by. It all worked out ok, but I felt a new feeling that day. I felt the squeeze of helping my daughter by caring for her kids and at the same time handling details of the care of my aging parents from a distance. I wanted to be in both places at once, I wanted to support all these very important people in my life, and I did, in one way and another. But there was another truth that hit home after things settled down and that is the truth that I am not a young person anymore and I need to take care of myself also. My resources of energy are not as endless as they seemed to be when I was younger. I was exhausted. BUT I have learned a few tips along the way.

Communicate –

This is the most important tip. Talk to your parents about what they need and what you are available for and then talk with them about resources. Talk to your kids about what you are available for and what you need help with. Allow them to be part of the grandparent support team.

Identify Your Resources –

Who can help? Who will help? Who wants to help? Who can you rely on? What can you delegate to other people?

Make a plan –

After this last medical challenge, my parents and I sat down and developed a plan for what we would do in the future when I am going to be out of town. We have a list of people they will notify when I am going to be gone who have agreed to be available to support them if needed.

DO NOT try to do it all yourself.

I feel like I need to say this a few times in bold letters for all the Moms reading this. DO NOT TRY TO DO IT ALL YOURSELF. BECAUSE you don’t have to. You can be smart about this, and you can communicate, get support and make a plan before it’s needed.

Make Self-Care a priority

In order to care for others, you must first care for yourself. Rest, eat well, do what you need to do to make sure that you are well. Because that’s the best way to be ready and able to support those you love.

The Empty Nest Squeeze may be waiting around the next corner for you, but with some good awareness and intention, you can support all the people in your life and still get to enjoy the benefits and blessings of this third quarter of life.

about

Karen Herold

After 30 plus in the business world Karen Herold considers herself a recovering CPA, finance and executive management business leader. She left her business career to pursue a master’s in transpersonal psychology followed soon thereafter by certification as a psychosynthesis life coach. She brings her wisdom and knowledge as a yoga teacher, creative expression arts facilitator, energy psychologist and a life transition coach to each coaching session. Karen is also a member of the faculty at Sofia University. Karen empowers and encourages her clients to embrace Transition as an Invitation to envision, create and manifest their next stage in life as one that is filled with Purpose, Meaning and Value. Karen is a contributing author to The Call of Self: Psychosynthesis Life Coaching, which is a journey to understanding transpersonally oriented life coaching where she shares her experience of the intersection of life coaching and volleyball coaching.

Karen is the mother of three adult daughters…all of whom she coached in club volleyball at one time or another. She is also grandmother to four young grandchildren and is recently married to her loving husband Chris.

Write down 3 things that happened in childhood that were important, positive or negative, and only one line for each one.
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2)
3)

Do the same for 3 important things in your life right now.
1)
2)
3)

Write down 3 outcomes that you would like to see unfold for yourself in the future.
1)
2)
3)

Take those 9 lines and write a one-page fairy story, fantasy or mythology, that uses those key guiding principles. Do not feel bound by reality, the presence of human characters or anything else. Tell a fantastic (and quickly written) story that uses these 9 key themes.

I love this exercise for several reasons. Writing this myth of your life is a creative process and I love to see the gifts of increased self-awareness through the creative flow as they blossom for my clients. I like how writing this myth reminds us of memories of childhood stories, books, movies and shows that had meaning for us and that we loved. I like the playful aspect of it, and at the same time there is a strong invitation to increased self-awareness and self-understanding. Finally, the process of writing a myth sparks our imagination, which is a lovely experience that invites us to enter that imaginative state more often. You may wonder how this exercise can aid in overcoming obstacles. The simple answer is that it opens the door to seeing your problem in a new light. As you move through this exercise you are invited to see your problem through the lens of myth and in the world of myth…anything is possible. Possibility is the opposite of living inside the box of your current understanding of your problem. As we open to imagination, we begin to imagine all the ways we can move towards our goal.

If you would like to experience possibility through many types of exercises, tools and practices I invite you to contact me at karen@wisetransition.com.

Come imagine, play, create and reach toward your goals.

about

Karen Herold

After 30 plus in the business world Karen Herold considers herself a recovering CPA, finance and executive management business leader. She left her business career to pursue a master’s in transpersonal psychology followed soon thereafter by certification as a psychosynthesis life coach. She brings her wisdom and knowledge as a yoga teacher, creative expression arts facilitator, energy psychologist and a life transition coach to each coaching session. Karen is also a member of the faculty at Sofia University. Karen empowers and encourages her clients to embrace Transition as an Invitation to envision, create and manifest their next stage in life as one that is filled with Purpose, Meaning and Value. Karen is a contributing author to The Call of Self: Psychosynthesis Life Coaching, which is a journey to understanding transpersonally oriented life coaching where she shares her experience of the intersection of life coaching and volleyball coaching.

Karen is the mother of three adult daughters…all of whom she coached in club volleyball at one time or another. She is also grandmother to four young grandchildren and is recently married to her loving husband Chris.

It’s the summer after high school and your son or daughter is never around. You may be feeling ignored and sad. You had hoped that this last summer would be a time for you share the final words of advice and wisdom with your child as you helped them to prepare for moving away from the haven of the family home. Instead you barely get an opportunity to say hello or good-night each day. They are with their friends going here and there and keeping incredibly busy doing anything and nothing.

It’s ok…and it’s normal. When 18-year-old kids (often subconsciously) realize that a big transition is in the works their response is often to ignore it and to stay so busy that they don’t have to deal with all the big emotions that they are (barely) managing to hold at bay. They have lived at home for their entire life, and now they are going to be living on their own…it sounds fun and exciting and great until the reality hits…they are going to be living on their own!!! YIKES! That means they are going to be responsible for everything…and that is usually a pretty scary thought. Without realizing they are doing it, they find that it is better to stay busy all the time and then they don’t have to think about the scary reality of what is happening in the fall.

Unfortunately, you will probably feel like you are walking a tightrope over the summer. Just like when they were two years old they will seemingly go back and forth on what they want from you. First, they want to be your little boy or girl, and then an hour later they barely want to acknowledge you as a parent with any impact over them. Again, it’s normal. That doesn’t make it easy as a parent, but maybe a few tips will help: 

• To the degree you are able, maintain a sense of humor.
  • Trust that you have done a wonderful job of parenting your child.
  • Understand that this is a stage, and that humor helps.
  • Laugh when you can, cry when you need to.
• Keep your home life stable.
  • This helps them to know they have a safety net that allows them to leave.
  • Knowing that home is there for them really does help.
• Love them exactly where they are.
  • Love them as they grow, struggle, easily leave, adjust to change or ignore it
  • Love them, love them, love them
• Be prepared to offer a lot of support around the details of preparing and moving to school…even if they act like theydon’t want it.
  • Remember that sense of humor?  This is a good time to laugh and shake your head and quietly step up and support them to successfully manage a move.
• If you have a spouse or partner, check in
  • Be a team, help each other as you support and love your child into the next chapter.
• Find a friend or a group of friends to support you and to act as a sounding board.
  • There is nothing like the wisdom, love and support of other women.
  • Find a coach or counselor to walk alongside you as you adjust to your next chapter in life.

And my final piece of advice is “Breath”.  Let your breath help you to find perspective and the ability to remain loving and supportive to yourself and to your child.  If you would like support in this Transition contact me…I would love to share this journey with you!

about

Karen Herold

After 30 plus in the business world Karen Herold considers herself a recovering CPA, finance and executive management business leader. She left her business career to pursue a master’s in transpersonal psychology followed soon thereafter by certification as a psychosynthesis life coach. She brings her wisdom and knowledge as a yoga teacher, creative expression arts facilitator, energy psychologist and a life transition coach to each coaching session. Karen is also a member of the faculty at Sofia University. Karen empowers and encourages her clients to embrace Transition as an Invitation to envision, create and manifest their next stage in life as one that is filled with Purpose, Meaning and Value. Karen is a contributing author to The Call of Self: Psychosynthesis Life Coaching, which is a journey to understanding transpersonally oriented life coaching where she shares her experience of the intersection of life coaching and volleyball coaching.

Karen is the mother of three adult daughters…all of whom she coached in club volleyball at one time or another. She is also grandmother to four young grandchildren and is recently married to her loving husband Chris.